Journal Entry 17:57

Here I am again.

It happened again.

The sudden flash of the reverse of a lightbulb (whatever that may be) that whispers,

“You can kill yourself.”

And my eyes roll, uncontrollably, toward the drawers where I keep my large stash of acetaminophen, ibuprofen, gravol, and other unknown compounds that I accumulated over a sickness.

And the inevitable imagination of the Scene comes. Somehow, some time, I break.

Madness consumes me, and I consume each and every pill in a maniacally efficient manner, managing not to throw them up in the process.

–

Fun Interactive Story of Possible Outcomes

I consume each and every pill in a maniacally efficient manner, managing not to throw them up in the process.

A. Nothing happens. (proceed to C)

B. The pain hits. (proceed to D)

C. Proceed to B.

D. I scream in my room but no one hears. (proceed to E)

or

I scream in my room, and someone hears. (proceed to F)

E. I die a slow and painful death. The End.

F. Someone comes in and is horrified. They bring me to the hospital. (proceed to G)

G. I manage to throw up the pills with activated charcoal and purge the toxins out of my system. (proceed to H)

or

I manage to throw up the pills with activated charcoal but my liver is already severely damaged. I die a slow and painful death. The End.

H. I survive and have to live with the repercussions of shocked, grievous and fearful family and friends. I live a slow and painful life.

The End.

or

live like this.

take everyday one day at time- eat, sleep and worry.

cry when I remember something that I lost

and dream of stories like the one above

and barely talk at all in real life

dreaming of the day I escape university

and enter the workforce

and dream of escaping the workforce

–

I dream that I can scream at my flatmates. ENOUGH. ENOUGH. ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT. FUCK YOU. YOUR DEBAUCHEROUS DRUNKENNESS IS DISGUSTING AND DOWNRIGHT DISTURBING.

–

I dream of dreaming of nothing

for once.

That is what death means to me.