I often feel like I should kill myself. Not that I necessarily want to, or that it would be a ‘good idea’, but that I should, morally speaking. Taking into account the things I’ve done in my life, and who I am a person, it seems like the only answer. When I think about people who I’ve respected and admired, and what they would tell me to do with the mess I’ve made of my life, it’s the only answer I come up with. There’s no way to make things right. There’s no way to make myself right with society. There’s no way back, to return to the ranks of those who have moral value. No matter how hard I try or what I do, I will always be contaminated, suspect. I will always be less than.
What confuses this reasoning is my parents. I’m fairly sure they would be devastated by my loss. I’ve often tried to think of elaborate ways to prevent this, like moving away, cutting all contact, even paying someone else to write to them and pretend I’m still alive. But I can’t figure out any way to do it that wouldn’t hurt them to an unforgivable extent. They still love me. They still believe I’m a good person, despite the aggravations my numerous failures as a human being have inflicted on them. Learning the truth of who I really am would also destroy them. They’ve done everything for me. The idea of doing that to them seems utterly terrible.
So I’ve created a situation where it feels wrong for me to continue to live, yet also unforgivable to end it. I’m simultaneously a worthless stain on this world that should be wiped away, and a key factor in preserving the well-being of two decent, worthwhile people. People who I love, in as much as I’m capable of love.
It’s a strange place to be. I guess it’ll be resolved once they’re gone. But in the intervening 20 – 30 years, I’m technically alive, but don’t really feel I should be. Somewhere in between. I have my own selfish/delusional reasons for wanting to live, but it’s not like they’re really going to go anywhere. So I’m just killing time, deteriorating, regretting, watching life pass me by.
13 comments
Well one thing I can say Is I can relate. When I was a child and a teenager I hurt a lot of people because I was mean and nasty to people with my mouth and with some of the deeds I did.
I was that way because I came from an abusive family and they taught me to be that way so I didn’t know any better. Well later in life I moved away from my family and learnt how to be a good person in life and how to get along with people and now… for the longest time I have been a good person and have not gotten into any trouble.. in fact I can say I am 44 years of age and never been arrested in my adult life. I have never hurt anybody in the past couple decades or more and now I am a good productive person in life
SO you can turn things around.
Now keep in mind there are LOTS of people who once where bad people… but later in life they turned their life around
Take the actor Tim Allen. He now is a male roll model and a successful actor and an advocate of good family values on TV. Well a long time ago he was a drug trafficker and went to prison for some years for smuggling drugs and other crimes.
see he did some bad early in life….. he did some crimes… did his time. but later in life he turned his life around and now he is a good man and is an advocate of good family values and a good person too boot.
there are many other turn around success stories in life as well.
so don’t think that just because you did some bad early in life that your life is over
you can TURN your life around
what you need to do is get focused on doing GOOD with your life now and then set out to be good for the rest of your life.
You can do this… and late on in life your life will be an inspiration to others of how a person can turn their life around and go from bad to good
YOU can make your own life a Turn around story!!!
if you want to chat you can email me privately
greg444413(at)yahoo.com
I have been through this and can help you along if you like
I wish you the best
It is people like you, Riffraff that I am able to forgive people that hurt me in the past. Everyone is a certain way for a reason and usually it is to do with a combination of the environment we grow up in, people we grow up with, what and how we learn as well as genetics etc.
Husk if your parents still love you in spite of what you have done then think how many other people can. We are only what we think and feel. If you feel like you are a good person now then focus on that and stop punishing yourself. Everyone deserves to be happy and everyone deserves a second chance. No matter the seriousness of what you have done, you regret it which means you think and feel differently to how you behaved back then. You owe it to yourself and those you’ve hurt to be a good person and show that people can change. Set an example for others like you. There are tough critics out there but we are all just trying to survive anyway we can. What have you got to lose by doing that? We are all going to die one day anyway-give yourself a chance to die knowing that you tried your best to be a good person and not that you died because you felt it was what you deserved.
Riff Raff – Thank you, and that’s commendable, but I think it’s very different when you do things as a child, even an adolescent, to as an adult. Who you are as a child is far more open to change. I kept on doing the worst things until at least the age of 26 (3 years ago.) I’m still that same person, deep down. There are also some things that just can’t be morally recovered from.
missinglink – My parents don’t know the truth of what I’ve done – only the superficial things that have affected them. If they knew the whole truth, it would destroy them. I don’t know if they would stop loving me, but I think they might have to disown me. And any love they did still have for me would be a source of pain to them. Nobody else would allow themselves to care for me, if they knew the truth. Allowing anybody else to care about me before knowing the truth would be deceptive.
I’m not a good person now. Sometimes I want to be, but a lot of the time I don’t. I’ve had numerous ‘second chances’ that I screwed up, and I really don’t deserve to be happy.
While I regret my past actions often, the part of me that allowed me to do it is still there, waiting for the opportunity. I can feel it.
I’m not sure what being a good person means for me at this point. As I said, suicide often feels like the moral choice.
similar feelings, except I did cut all ties yet I feel I dont belong anywhere
now I feel simply stuck, limbo, with multiple suicide methods prepped and at hand with no courage; CORRECT, I DID say courage, to go thru with it
and for those with comments re ‘so much to live for’ or belief in deity etc…nice that you are being kind to another, plz walk a mile in my shoes first, then use it on another person whos deserving
I’m sorry you feel the same.
I am a woman by the way and I maintain my above statement whether you have killed, raped whatever. Surely it is better to be a good person use the rest of your life to redeem yourself and help others. Maybe some would say I’m naïve for thinking so.. Not everyone thinks the same hey-ho, I would just like to think that there are people who would want to change and be better. There’s already too many who don’t. I see the good in people as well as the bad. Maybe that’s why I’m paper thin and fragile.
I just can’t see any way to redeem myself, in my eyes, or those of anyone else. I keep thinking of what I could do to make up for it. But nothing would ever be enough, no matter how many people I helped (presuming I was actually strong enough to help anyone.)
I’m not sure wanting to change is enough sometimes. Some things just go to deep.
I’m sorry that recognizing the good in bad people leaves you more open to being hurt.
You are smart enough to know that you are the last person with the clarity to judge your value as a human being. Yes, it’s fucked up that life is that way, but it’s true.
For all we know your crimes are imaginary, your transgressions are minor, and the amends you can make would be readily accepted.
I understand the pain you are experiencing because you think you are shit is relentless, crippling, and unending. I understand wanting to kill yourself to stop the pain.
But don’t drink your own kool-aid, so to speak. The logical conclusion is your self image is whacked.
Well, when trying to calibrate my value as a human being from society in general, I get a similar answer. When trying to do so through the worldviews of intelligent, compassionate people who I respect, ditto. Likewise through the lenses of most traditional philosophical and religious standards.
I could of course be completely off the mark. But as much as I’m sure of anything, it’s that my moral worth is negligible.
To the extent that I know anything, I know my crimes aren’t imaginary, my transgressions are considerable, and no amends would be enough to excuse the truth.
The fact that I never specify what I’ve done is evidence of that – if it was something trivial, I would discuss it freely.
99.9% of the time your advice would be spot on. The world is full of those whose self-esteem problems or religious guilt lead them to magnify the tiniest of crimes. Unfortunately I’m not one of them.
Some people really are just shit.
I think your illogic is still pernicious, but at least you have considered alternative viewpoints.
I have done a few things that are shameful – even criminal – but I’ve been though a number of 12 step programs, too. Forgiving myself and forgiving others is a recurring part of my life.
But, ha ha, you are seeing me on a good day right now.
Most people do some shameful things. Many people do criminal things. A few people do unforgivable things.
For me, the metric is: is is something that you couldn’t tell to someone entirely benevolently disposed towards you, who had only your best interests at heart, even if your life and future happiness depended on it?
Nobody is just good and nobody is just bad. That’s the duality of life. Some people are more capable of balancing it out than others. You already have the cognitive thought, the regret. Acknowledgement is key. Which means you are not a bad person. Unless you work for the CIA/ Monarch mind control programming or are Hilary Clinton or Donald Trump you are already a better person than you perceive yourself to be. Just trying to spread a little compassion, though there is not nearly enough of it; it is out there and people can surprise you. People dont stop developing and learning when they become adults. Okay, so legally you are more responsible and we are all responsible for our own actions but it isn’t just black and white other factors factor into it. Surely it is better people acknowledge their mistakes and wrong doings and learn from it and want to change. The more people do that the better a world we’d live in. Noone deserves to be ‘written’ off. You were born into this world kicking and screaming like everyone else everyone deserves help. Everyone deserves a voice. Otherwise what is the fucking point of this miserable place? We need to be the change we want to see.
I agree that nobody is purely good or bad. However, it is possible to believe contradictory things at the same time. While part of me recognizes that what I’ve done was wrong and regrets it, another part, perhaps suppressed, simultaneously feels that it was the best, most exciting thing ever. The cognitive recognition doesn’t remove the emotional reaction. I’m still very much a bad person. Just not as bad as I have been, or as bad as I could be.
While I’m not Trump, I wouldn’t necessarily claim to be better. I just lack the extent of narcissistic self-belief to ignore my own wickedness. It’s a difference of presentation rather than substance.
Maybe I will do better at spreading compassion in the future. It’s difficult to be good when your emotions sabotage any effort you make. What starts off as an attempt to help others can quickly become about my own fragile ego.
I think some people do deserve to be written off, and maybe it’s best to do so. Not many, and I’m all for helping people where it’s possible. But I think maybe some people are just too screwed up to move forward.