She was a close friend.
She was a daughter.
She was an acquaintance.
She was a classmate.
She was a relative.
She was dearly beloved, often quiet, cerebral, musical, linguistic, sweet, with delicate eyes, an achingly small mouth and a wide nose.
We miss her dearly.
How we wished we’d known, that we could have helped her and prevented her from ending her life at 18.
We miss her- her life had barely begun.
We cry.
For what could have been.
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What could have been?
A few more drawn out years of internal suffering, untold emotional agony, more take-it-for-granted, more draining everyone who cares for a lost cause.
You told me so- life is only going to get harder.
I know already, of course. I’m going to lose all the support I ever had as a minor- which weren’t enough in the first place- and I’m going to be forced to work a dreary job for a living, and I’m going to earn money and spend it and survive, and lose everything that I have ever owned eventually.
Romantic relationships? Charming prince on a white horse? Bullshit. I’d be frightened if anyone like that shows up- it’s looking more and more like a scam. No one will love me, and even if they do, I can’t truly love them back.
My problems will not be solved by a few weekly sessions with a therapist. I am going to die anyway. I know.
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Don’t mourn or castigate my decision.
Celebrate that I didn’t get to experience all that life shit- and pass it on too.
Rejoice that I chose the cyanide instead of the torture chamber.
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You put me in front of a cliff.
I don’t wait for you, or the inevitable wind, to push me.
I jump.
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I hope you understand
4 comments
Externally, superficially, life may get harder. Internally, it might get so much easier. The way you see the world and yourself could change so much over the next few years, given all the variables. There are other directions to jump.
You could be right about the many variables in life with all the different possible outcomes. But so far, it hasn’t been very surprising.
Things could change but I suspect this is the best situation I will ever find myself in based on the knowledge of who I truly am. It’s my fault. The problem is internal.
Internally I have felt much the same over the 12 years in my memory- always that knot inside my stomach, the sense that I’m alone in my feelings, the eventual hopelessness.
Jumping is an exhausting move. I am considering only one direction- not much willpower left.
I appreciate that taking a chance on anything expends an enormous amount of effort. But willpower can regenerate, given time.
I’ve felt much the same – that nothing will change, after so long like that. But I believe if I were to go back to the point in my life where you are now, if things had progressed just a little differently, I might have ended up ok. The anxiety, loneliness, and despair might have dissipated, if I’d met certain people before it was too late. What you see as your true self might be revealed as only a transitory aspect of your character.
Right right. So very right. You know more about you than anyone. The eulogies of the suicidal are a hoot aren’t they? Glad you caught on to them and pointed it out n your own cool style.
I like how you mention you will not be passing on the misery. This to me is very honorable.
I utterly regret having reproduced and passing the misery on to another unsuspecting generation. i am a man and I know if I did not give the ex-wives what they demanded someone else would have I am sure. But you being a lady – you get the only say that really counts!! Even if you somehow survive the need to catch the bus, but don’t reproduce, you can at least know you spared at least one person this misery they call life. That would be great kindness. Good on you!