last night i went for a run at night. it was pretty foggy and cold but i decided to go for it anyway. i ran as fast as i could through the trees and down the sidewalk, hardly being able to see 10 feet in front of me. i ran until my legs burned, until my lungs couldn’t handle it anymore.
i ran and ran and i just kept wishing i could run forever, away from my problems. away from this shitty city. away from these shitty people. i just wanted to run, and never stop.
there are train tracks near my house, and every time i ran over them and stopped. i would think to myself “what if i just sat here and waited for the next train to come?” what if i sat here and waited until it came and killed me.
sometimes my thoughts are the things that scare me the most. those suicidal thoughts that float in and out of my mind. is it bad that everytime i see a hazard i think of ways i could kill myself with it?
last night, every person i saw reminded of the man who sexually assaulted me on my birthday. i would jump and run even faster, in fear someone was following me. every shadow i saw, every sound i heard, i felt like it was someone, something out to get me. i kept on seeing these shadows of people that werent there. i kept replaying the incident in my head, over and over again. the more i thought, the faster i ran.
when i got home i collapsed on my floor and had a panic attack because i felt like something is out to get me, like someone is coming for me. i sat there panting and hyperventilating and shaking because i was so scared.
im fucking going crazy and i cant stop it. i run to feel pain. i run to escape my problems. i run until i cant anymore.
8 comments
Try to go to a psychologist, or just forget about your past (it’s really hard I know)
i just wanted to say im sorry that some asshole did that to u on ur birthday. thats fucked.
i do similar things with hazards., mainly when im driving. i look at trees and power poles and think what if?? i never would do it that way but it doesnt stop the thoughts. anyway, just wanted u to know yr not alone with at least some of what ur going thru. hope ur ok after panic attack. (i freaking hate them too).
all the time when im driving i look at poles too and think what if? or if im walking on a bridge i just think, what if i jumped? would i live? i cant stop it and its controlling me and im too scared to tell anyone about my thoughts because theyll just readmit me into the psych ward. thanks, im glad someone understands. i just cant control my panic attacks anymore, they come so frequently now and i just cant control it.
This sounds like a story. You should fictionalize it and write it. Make yourself the victor in it. You are an amazing person.
thank you. haha i would except im a shit writer lol!
Nothing is out to get you, and thoughts are nothing if you don’t act up on them, but the aftermath of that attack is clearly affecting you, have you thought about looking for some kind of help? (if you haven’t already). There are some things that we can’t deal with on our own or that just take way too long at our own pace, even if we try to with all we have.
i have depression and anxiety and i was recently discharged from the psych ward actually. im trying really hard and like the attack isnt something i thought i would worry about but im just afraid of everything now and it makes my anxiety worse 🙁
BeautifulS, you communicate wonderfully. You should write it, even if you decide not to publish it or only publish it here.