“so why did you come in here today?”
because my mother told me to come here after i flipped out at my little brother and tossed him on the ground.
“I wanted to seek help because of my mental health issues.
“Ok. And you said you were occasionally feeling depressed and anxious?”
if by occasionally you mean every fucking day of my miserable existance then yes.
“Yes.”
“When did these problems start?”
if i could remember a time when i didn’t have these problems i would tell you.
“A few years ago.”
“Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?”
suicidal thoughts are the only thing stopping me from committing suicide. the looks on everyone’s faces when they realised i was serious. maybe my old bullies will kill themselves too and we can all burn in hell together like we deserve. playing through that is the only thing sating my need for it.
“No, nothing serious.”
“Any self harm issues?”
every night i use my absurdly long fingernails to cut into my chest and shoulders to stop the growing anxiety and let me sleep.
“Nothing like that either.”
“Why are you feeling depressed?”
oh where does the list fucking start. my mentally and sometimes physically abusive family. my old tormenters turned classmates who used to assault me almost daily as i only watch as they grow more popular, more powerful, having better lives than i ever fucking will because they lowered themselves enough to torture me for years. friends who i almost have to beg to hang out with in a feeble attempt to stave off my madness. every night where it’s just me and the internet doing a dance for me trying to starve off hurting myself. it never works. or maybe we should start with the fact that whenever i meet just about any stranger in public i get massive amounts of anxiety because i can almost feel their gaze boring into my head as they pick me apart and judge me for being fat and unattractive and sinful. how about the guilt from killing my grandmother? maybe the fact that almost every decision i make is abusive either to myself or to other people. maybe the fact my life is worthless, my grades are shit, and im constantly tortured by the thought that im gonna be a screw up but never quite enough to to give up and lie down. or maybe it’s just because i have to see a fucking therapist because im not a good enough person to handle this by myself.
“Nothing in particular, sometimes things just get to me.”
“What do you do when you’re depressed?”
claw and scratch until the pain blinds me or the anxiety goes away, to the tune of bands that have never heard of me and will never give a shit about me.
“Just listen to music, or play video games.”
“What are your other hobbies?”
being a fucking failure in anything else i do.
“I sometimes do writing, and hanging out with friends.”
“Well (my name), you seem like a well-rounded and good person.”
well that’s only because my many, many demons haven’t revealed themselves yet, and i haven’t cared to tell you because of societorial and cultural standards of hiding myself because im something nobody wants to see.
“Thank you.”
thanks for sitting here and letting me tell you exactly what i fucking tell everyone else who’s ever asked.
9 comments
and then pay some 200$ or more an hour, for these great “observational” skills, they have learned through their rigorous training
I love this post so god damn much,
the inner monologue is just so beautiful accurate in depicting some sessions…
what’s worse, that he doesn’t observe the telltale signs, or that if he do he might just hand you a long sleeved shirt with cufflinks in the back as a “reward” for the honesty because “societal and cultural standards” might dictate it.. god damn bloody win win situation sometimes….
and still gets billed for it… THANKS!
they’re only here to help you until the money runs out that’s for sure
Wow.
So glad you can tell it like it is, here.
someone’s gotta do it
Accurate description as far as I am concerned.
It is also the reason why, when people suggest therapy or counseling to somebody, I laugh. I think it is a waste of time and money.
If the person told the truth to the therapist, he would probably end up being committed in a hospital and given pills.
It seems that the truth is so ugly that nobody wants to hear it. Most of the time, people don’t get too close, just to avoid hearing about problems they KNOW exist.
It happens to me every single time when I was being asked to go to see a therapist.
Trusting someone was hard enough. You have to pay and ask them for help when they can’t really tell what’s the truth and what’s not… I honestly doubt going and it’s totally waste of time and money
I’m guessing this is going to be an unpopular opinion (from the comments above), but therapists aren’t mind readers, and even if they do learn body language and stuff like that, not everyone gives a regular pattern of telltale signs. If you mask everything that you feel and lie about in a convincing matter, it’s obvious they’re going to believe you, and even if they didn’t, they can’t do much more than pressing the issue a bit and then letting it go if you keep on lying to them. They’re not lying detector machines.
Not saying that there isn’t money hungry therapists that don’t give a shit (those are the norm, sadly), but there’s a few good ones. I’ve ran into a few along the years and even if they can’t help that much (i’m a grown ass man who knows the answer to his problems but can’t find a viable way of using those answers), they’ve still given me some relief by at least trying to help.
I guess that what i’m trying to say is: if you’re going to a therapist to just lie… meh, you might as well just stay home and use that money for food or videogames or something, because you’re throwing away that money on purpose, lol.
I met a few therapist, like MF said, some of them really do want to help and not because of money. And some are kind enough to tell me, money is not an issue as long as I’m willing to get help and trust them. But eh- I wasn’t even wanted to be able to get helped at all. I think is matters on the person itself, whether they wanted to get helped or not. If going to a therapist with that state of mind, might as well just like MF said, stay at home and eat and sleep and not waste time on other people and money.
tell your therapist. I tend to tell my therapist I can’t talk about it. Or when I am uncomfortable. Mainly I find discussing suicidal ideation very hard. But unless you admit plans to commit suicide that day or in the near future or self harm or harm someone else they are not going to lock you up. I went to my therapist with fifty stitches in my leg from self harm told her I lied to the e.r. docs about what happened. Then my only lie was I had no plans to self harm agian. Tell the whole story. Just deny future plans.