I’ve been thinking about returning to therapy for ages. Not that I think it would really resolve my underlying issues, or that I’m ready to change. But I’m so tired of being alone with all this going round and round in my head. I just want to talk to someone and know that they really understand, even if there’s things I can’t talk about, without judgement. It would be nice to have someone on my side, even if I had to pay them to be on my side. Someone who can keep track of my endlessly revolving cycle of thoughts, and maybe give a little input, without pushing me towards whichever technique they subscribe to. Just someone wise and compassionate, open-minded enough to accept the degree to which I’m screwed up.
But whenever I look through the webpages of nearby therapists, I can’t ever imagine being able to open up to any of them. It’s not that they look like bad people. But I just can’t see any of them even beginning to understand where I’m coming from. It’s so far off from the way most people experience life and think about themselves. And even if someone could understand, I can’t imagine anyone not being judgmental. Not openly, but I can’t see anyone really wanting to work with me if they understood the truth. They’d fall back on whatever process they believed in rather than really taking on board what I was saying.
Beyond that, there’s just the basic terror of meeting new people, and then talking about myself. What if we don’t get on? What if I come away from it feeling worse about my situation? (if that’s possible.) What if I never again seek any kind of help as a result of the experience? What if reality collapses in on itself as a result of how badly I feel afterwards? I just feel too weak to take any kind of setback.
Which makes it all seem impossible. How do you go about choosing someone to take a chance on, when you’ve never met anyone you thought would be able to understand before?
2 comments
I have a therapist and it helps me. I live in a small space these days and it gives me an outlet to unburden myself without contaminating that precious space. It’s trial and error and I researched and found someone that works for me. It’s like being in the dark and they’re the torch…you just follow the light. A good therapist there won’t be any judgement just someone that will give you a bit of space and lightness.
It’s not a marriage. You can leave any time you want. People change therapists all the time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling them that you need a break or a change. They’re professionals. And if they do guilt you? They were not good therapists anyway. Give yourself some slack!