I am better now, am I?
I force myself to wake up at 8 every morning. No more waking up at 4pm for me.
The gray skies are still the same.
I have changed.
Home has cured me.
Cured me like a piece of meat. I am stiff, more reserved.
How can I let down my beloved family who love me back? I must get through this year.
I start to move restlessly; my voice sinks into a whisper.
My mouth shuts itself at lectures, which I turn up to regularly, and harden in disdain when I hear girls giggling at silly things on their laptop behind me.
My heart seems to have become a tiny furnace, a tiny bubbling furnace which quickens my breath and burns my chest in constriction at times. I know I must turn up. I must at least turn up.
But I am fearful.
I am
saying goodbye to depression and hello to anxiety.
–
It is the strangest feeling ever. To feel all the scattered thoughts and feelings in your brain seemingly to expand beyond your skull and see other people, perfectly contained, and think that that is what they see of you as well- perfectly contained.
Concealed.
6 comments
That’s really beautifully written. I’ve missed seeing you on here, Redandpurple. Glad to know you’re still alive. As someone who is in extremely similar circumstances as you, I know what it feels like. I don’t mean to take away from how you’re feeling. But I’ve been there. For a long time. I keep switching from this manic excitement to feeling like a worthless repulsive piece of shit. Catching up and staying on top of work at uni is proving to be hard, but it’s my only escape, apart from excessive smoking and drinking and crying and cutting. It’s hideous. I don’t know how I can force myself to go on any longer. But I don’t have a choice. I’m too cowardly to do anything.
Thank you.
Despite all this it’s always nice to know that there’s someone in the same shoes.
I was wondering about you too yesterday… glad to see you’re still around. I enjoy your posts. 🙂
Yeah, good to see you’re still with us, and keep writing 🙂
I know you feel that sense of “duty” so to speak,
but you gotta remember, you are pretty much the one most important thing in your life, thus your well being and happiness is the important thing and most paramount. Not theirs
You should be free to be happy the way you want to be, even if they don’t agree in the path you decide or the way you approach to go about being able to find a smile in your day
You shouldn’t hide or feel like you have to
go and do what makes you better, happy, free
you’ve got much to offer, let them see it
be you
as always, a pleasure to read your post Redandpurple
I feel such a sense of honesty and community posting here.
Thank you for thinking of me.