Hello!
First of all I want to say that I’m not a native english speaker, so my english isn’t the best. But I did my best! >.<
Here you can find why I hate my life, and why I want to die. Why not a text version? Well, I created a list version because I don’t want to waste your time on reading my boring life story.. I also don’t expect anyone t read this, so why would I waste my time on a text version?
Well, enough talking.
Here is why I hate my life
– My school life sucks (the only decent thing are my grades)
– I’m a worthless and retarded 17-year-old boy
– Even shit is worth more than I am
– I have achieved nothing in my life so far
– I find myself ugly (Maybe it’s because of my low self-esteem?)
– I won’t be surprised if I have some kind of depression (I haven’t done any tests yet, so that’s why I won’t say that I have depression)
– I am sure that I have some mild – high level of OCD (I shower a lot, I wash my hands a damn lot, I check if the door is closed like 100 times a day, same goes for the windows)(Same here.. haven’t done any tests yet, but its kinda obvious)
– I suck at everything. Example: drawing,.. (And yes I do practice a lot)
– Physical pain (I have a lot of health problems, like pain in my chest, weak legs, a lot of headaches,.. Medicines don’t work and the doctors don’t know why I have this..)
– I cut myself with scissors, stab myself with a bread knife and hit/kick the wall to distract myself from this shitty life (I only get bruises from stabbing myself)
– I suck at being social (yes, I have tried talking to people on multiple occasions, but they either try to talk to me as little as possible or act like i’m not there )
– My crush will never like me (She still likes my friend.. like seriously, he isn’t interested in her, but she still can’t forget about him. Oh and I forgot to say that she’s liked him for a couple of years) (And sadly enough she is the only person who has actually treated me as a normal person, even though she barely knew me)
– My dad doesn’t really care about me (that’s the impression I get, he never said anything like that himself)
– My mom told me that I make her depressed
– I have some “friends”, but I think that some of them don’t really like me anymore.
– My stepmother hates me for no reason (I’m not talking about disliking me, but seriously hating me)
– Many people who I know either try to do suicide or do suicide
– I play too much video games (but it’s one of the few things I’m decent at)
– Every time I go outside on my own when it’s dark, I get scared.. (Sometimes I even tremble/sweat a bit)(This all started after a couple of things that happened in my childhood)
– Sometimes when I see a robe, scissors,.. I think to myself how great it would be if I could kill myself with that object. (Btw, I consider doing suicide quite often, but I just can’t seem to do it)
– I can barely get out of bed nowadays
– …
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You came this far?
Well, thank you for your time! Seriously. I didn’t expect anyone to read this.
14 comments
Hi. I’m very sorry when I see someone so young being so hopeless. I’m 63 and you might not want to hear from an old lady but I actually do get it. The thing you don’t realize is that you have a lot of years left to get it right. It isn’t easy but it doesn’t have to be so hard. It’s people like you, who experience a lot of pain at such a young age, who end up helping others who don’t think they can make it through life. You don’t see it yet, but you have a gift. Because of your pain, you have compassion. The best escape from sadness is to step out of your life and do something for someone else. If you’re able to, find a job doing something that focuses your attention and time on someone else. Maybe an animal shelter. People aren’t the only ones that hurt but are always the ones who do the hurting. When you give love to someone or some creature that needs it badly, you will start feeling like someone who matters. BTW, you do matter. You just don’t realize it yet. People like you will accomplish more than those who think only about themselves. You might have to force yourself for a while, but make yourself get out of the house and do something. No matter how small it seems, do something positive. Even if no one notices, You’ll learn about how much worth you really have. You can start with something small like shoveling a neighbor’s walkway if they can’t do it. If you’re still in school, speak with a counselor about starting an after school group of kids who also need to talk about their troubles. When people don’t understand others, they’re easy to ignore. By doing something good for someone else, you’re feeding your own soul. Make yourself get out of bed. Take a walk. Smile at someone. Become a dog walker and you’ll be outdoors everyday – very important for people who are depressed. Volunteer for something you think is meaningful. What will keep you depressed is staying in bed, watching TV, too many video games.
Parents don’t always know what to say to their kids but thinking your dad doesn’t care is probably very wrong. Start talking to him. Tell him you think you need some help. Try to do a project together even if it’s something boring like cleaning the gutters or the kitchen. Doing it together is what matters. There are people who care and people who don’t. Don’t bother with the ones who don’t. They’re never going to be worth it.
Carollm,
First of all I want to thank you for reading my post and writing a reply! Seriously, I didn’t expect any replies at all.
The fact that I still have so many years left makes me scared. You know, I wasn’t like this 5 months ago. I mean yeah, I did have my physical problems, but I looked forward to this school year, I saw it as a new start! But look now, it gets worse and worse every day and I can’t control it.
It’s also really nice of you to tell me that my kindness is a gift, but if only others could see it the same way. I have always been like this, but it has never brought me any hapiness, no, it only hurts me. I always try to help others, be kind to others,.. But no one tries to help me.
An example is my friends who was depressed. I tried to help him get through it, but he didn’t care much when I started to become like this.
No, all he says is that I have to shut up because his life is 100 times worse than mine.
About the job part.
Well I see why you said that, but it’s really hard for me to trust people.
I used to live in a parc, my mom runned a tavern there. And I have seen/gone through a lot of things that I shouldn’t have in these 4 years living there. (really, some humans are scary and awfull creatures)
I also have school. I am in a science/math course, so I get a lot of homework. Ofcourse I still have the weekends, but right now I want to focus more on school (My french and math aren’t that great atm). But who knows, I may look for a vacation job. I will definitely consider your suggestions.
About the counselor part, my mom wants me to go to a therapist/psychiatrist. So I am already planning on doing that.
And my dad, oh well. where do I start.
You see, I don’t like being there. My stepmother is too much too handle for someone like me. And that’s why I lock mysef up in my room, even though I am only there 4 days a month.
But that’s not all. why I said that he doesn’t care about me is because all he does for my birthday is send me a little text saying happy birthday. He also ignores my calls/texts when I want to wish him a happy birthday. But the thing is, I do have a lot of fun being at my dad’s house when my stepmother isn’t around.
My dad isn’t they only problem though.
My mom became an alcohol addict after my stepfather did a suicide attempt, and the next 3 years where a really big pain for me to go through. She would throw things at me, scold me for no reason,.. Good thing is that she isn’t addicted anymore, but it did really destroy our parent-child connection. And we both do our best to fix this, but I don’t think that we will ever be the same as before.
Greeds Kur0-Nek0
Hello black cat. 🙂
I agree with the above post that you have a lot of years left for things to improve. You will probably be very surprised at how drastically your outlook will change in just a few years, especially when you get a job and move out on your own. I’m not promising things will get better, but saying that you have a genuine chance for that to happen. I am also quite a bit older than you, so I’m not trying to give you some unrealistic pep talk but just let you know how things can change over time.
*letting
I hope things will get better.
I still have a little bit of hope left.
But I am only in my 1st year of high school (Had to repeat a year in kindergarten and my 2nd year of elementary school) so leaving my mom’s house won’t be for the near future.
And it’s true things change over time. I can still remember the 11 y/o me playing pokemon with my friend. These were really good times.
Well to be honest, nothing really stays the same. But parent/child relationships can be mended. Maybe you’re stronger than they are and need to be the one to make it happen. Instead of locking yourself in your room, spend more time with each of them. It isn’t your job to fix your parents but if they are capable of change, you might be the best one to do it. Start by getting them to talk about themselves, their day, their fears. You might find that they have the same ones as you do. You might also find that they can change if someone believes in them. It shouldn’t be up to a kid to take the lead but maybe if you do, you’ll find that it’s a two way street. Then you can let them know that you need them too. Take advantage of your mom’s suggestion and talk to a therapist. They’re trained to pick up on things you might not even be aware of. You can even do it through the school. Most schools have programs for kids with more needs.
Then think about the things you’re good at like you said your grades are good and you’re into science and math. Are there school programs that you could join? Math/chess/science clubs? Start signing up for things. Be friendly. If that’s too hard, just make eye contact and smile. Remember, you’re not the only one who’s scared. Want to know a secret? Everyone is scared. It’s part of life. But instead of retreating because you think you’re alone, know that most kids and adults are afraid of the future. We find ways to deal with our fears and move ahead anyway. At my age, I have to find a new place to live and a new life without my kids or my husband. I’m going to lose my house if I can’t sell it soon and damn, I’m really scared of what’s to come but I know I have to try.
You said you’re 17. If this is your last year of high school, start thinking about what kind of work might make you happy. Maybe apply to technical school. Even if you haven’t figured that out,you might already know what sort of things you’d be good at. Computers, accounting, working in a lab…In the meantime,see if there are any after school jobs you might be good at. It might not be something you enjoy but you’ll have more opportunities to meet people. I’m not religious but through local churches you can find lots of things. Maybe a shelter or food kitchen or animal shelter would be places where by helping others you’ll feel your own worth.
No one has all the answers and most people won’t even try to come up with one but if you’re looking for them, they’re already inside of you. With a little guidance the world can sometimes open up for you. It won’t be smooth or easy but nothing is. Start with baby steps. Try just one thing. If it doesn’t work, try something else. Don’t stop trying. You already know exactly what you need to have a good life. It’s just not apparent right now. Keep moving forward and don’t be afraid to feel fear. Everyone does. You’re not alone. Not by a longshot.
Getting closer to my parents will be really hard.
I haven’t had a good connections with my dad ever since my parents broke up..
knowing that my stepmother is still there and only seeing him 4 days a month makes it even harder.
Same goes with my mom. She works 60-80 hours a week because we barely have any money. Our house doesn’t even have a central heater and there is even mold in both my mom’s room and mine/my sister’s. My physical problems don’t help with this either and the fact that my dad barely pays anytime on time makes it even worse.
I am young and haven’t gone through much compared to you (most likely), but I know how it feels to be forced to leave a house. We were once forced to leave too, and we coudn’t find any other place to live either. So if my mom’s sister (who already had 7 kids) didn’t help us than we would have been forced to sleep on the streets.
About school, I am only in my 1st year of high school (6 years of elemantary school, 3 years middle school and 3 yrs High School), and I don’t really want to do something with math.
Science interests me, but I don’t know.
Clubs.
Haven’t heard about any clubs here where I live (Europe).
And what do you mean with “You already now exactly what you need to have a good life”?
Because I don’t really now?
I know 2 things that may make me a little bit happier, but I can’t really do much to fix these them, and I don’t know how I can do the other one. (My physical health problems and getting closer to my crush –) I tried, but it’s just too hard for me, or perhaps I am just too weak or scared to get rejected?)
About looking people in the eyes and smile.
I can’t. Sorry I really can’t..
I haven’t smiled that much ever since I was 9.
and everytime I try to look someone in the eyes, I start sweating, trembling or my heart starts to hurt.
I feel bad for you though. I mean, you are trying to help me, but yet I am too scared to actually do these things. I will do my best though. I might not do it today, or tomorrow, but I will definitely not forget it.
I wish you the best luck with your house and you future too.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Hi Kur0-Nek0,
First of all I want to say that I’m very sorry to hear/read that you’re going through al this, just by the age of 17. No one should feel like this, especially not at such a young age.
Do you have any idea why you’re feeling like this? Did something happen to you that you know off that could have caused this behavior?
Why do you think that you suck at everything? It’s not because you can’t draw, that you suck at everything. You’re English is very good, especially because it’s not your mother language and because you’re only 17. You should be very proud of yourself for your English. And I’m pretty sure that they are a lot of other things that you can be very proud of, but you just don’t see them.
Have you already told your mother that you think you have a depression and OCD? I’m sure that she would help you, if you let her. That’s what mothers are for. You told us, that your mom told you you made her depressed. I’m pretty sure that she didn’t mean it that way, that’s just how moms react sometimes. When they are hurt/have problems, most of the time they react it out on the persons who are closest to her, most of the time the children. So please don’t take it to personal.
Or do you have any siblings you can tell? Or some close family, like a cousin or your grandparents.
And the part about your stepmother. Have you told your father already? Or why do you think that he doesn’t like you?
I’m so sorry for everything, if I can ever help you you can always contact me.
Hope soon hearing from you.
Hello, and hanks for reading!
A lot of things have happened in th past…
My mom used to be alcohol addicted, creepy people,…
But I’ll leave my “life story” for another post.
Why I think that I suck at everything? I don’t only suck at drawing..
I also suck at sports, french, writing (light novels), making friends, cooking,…
And seriously, the only thing I’m decent at is gaming, but that’s useless..
Haven’t told my mom, but she keeps saying that I’m just in a typical “teenage depression” and that it will be over soon.
Haven’t told anyone about my OCD either.
And yes I do have a sibling, a sister.
But I can’t really tell her, and I also don’t really want bother her with my problems.
I think my dad knows.
seriously, the hate she has towards me is just way to much to not notice.
I don’t know if you can help me, but I’ll listen to any sugestion you have!
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Hi Kur0-Nek0,
First I want to clarify that gaming isn’t useless. In fact they are a lot of benefits. People who play video games are most likely to to think outside the box. Like strategic planning, anticipating changes, solving puzzles, do logical reasoning and so much more. Because that’s what you have to do while gaming. Besides that games can increase your creativity that lets you solve problems in various ways. You learn how to work in team, to be a leader or to co-ordinate.
Do you get these benefits in perhaps reading? No! Games also portray their story and some games even give you a bunch of stuff to read as if you’re reading a novel.
Ofcourse they are some negative thing about gaming, but for everything in this world (hobby/sport/..) there are positive and negative signs. You just have to open your eyes to see the both.
So look, don’t say video games are bad/useless. They’re only bad if you play too much with no self-control and sense of time. But almost everything’s like that. It’s just the same when do go to a boxing class. You can use it to help you or you can use it with no self-control. And the last thing would end up bad.
I’m a gamer and I benefit from gaming a lot. I gained confidence and logic skills to sort out things in my life. I am great in my studies, I accept criticism, I do not get angry easily (after all, online gamers like to talk crap and scold you over the simplest things, but in the end you’re having fun).
And I’m pretty sure that I can’t help you, I can only give you some advice. No one can help you. Only you can help yourself.
If you want to get out of this depression, that you think you have, I think that you have to talk to someone. If your mom say’s that it is just a ‘teenage depression’ just tell her that you think that it’s not. Explain her how you feel, even if that is the hardest thing you may have to do. And if you don’t want to tell her, just tell her “mom, I really need to see someone to talk to. I can’t tell you right now, but when it’s time for me I will tell you.” Or something like that.
Why can’t you tell your sister? Why are you afraid you will bother her? That’s the beauty of the relationship between siblings, even if you not may speak often or you don’t share your problemes often, but when you need them and you let them know that you need them, they will always be there for you.
If you want to be helped you have to take the first step. ‘Cause help don’t just get to you, especially not when no one knows what’s going on in your mind.
And if you’re not a talker, just like me, you can write a letter to your mom/grandma/sister/.. Just a simple letter where you explain that you haven’t been feeling well the last few months (emotionally) and that you think it’s time for you to see someone that can help you.
If you don’t want them to know what is all going on, just tell them that. Tell them that you’re not ready yet to talk to them because you first want to figure out yourself everything , this with the help of someone who is specialized in this, like a psychiatrist.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. There are always people that are willing to help you, you just have to let them. Don’t hold yourself back. Please.
Hope you have some better days ahead!
Hope soon hearing from you again.
The last comments I posted was meant for you!
My apologies for not using the ‘reply’ button!
Greets Kur0-Nek0
It may sound stupid, but I’m kinda scared to tell them (Writing a etter included)..
And I don’t know if telling them will help me out, Cuz I have more problems than the things with my family.
My mom wants to send me to a psychiatrist (I don’t know when), so maybe it’s better to talk with that person first.
But anyways, thanks for trying to help me..
I kinda hate myself for not being able to do the things people suggest to me, even though they’re telling the truth.
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Kuro Neko
Sometimes we have natural talents that come easily to us and some take practice to get really good at…like cooking. Gaming was probably like this too when you first started a game, but the more you played the better you got. We are all born with a gift…. that I believe, you just need to discover yours and you will.
Sorry that you are so young and life has not been easy for you, but there is time to figure some of it out. Give yourself time and when you are ready to face your fears you will and once you face those fears they won’t seem as scary to you and you might just overcome a lot of them to the point the fear disappears. It’s a really great feeling I can tell you from experience and such a relief…. but it is hard to take that step. I think seeing someone will help a lot with that. Good luck, I hope things get much better for you.
@Jadedjewel
It’s indeed true that things like drawing,.. require practise.
Well, I hope that I’ll have enough time to figure everything out.
I’m not sure though..
I’ll keep doing my best, that’s for sure.
Let’s hope that there will be a day where I can be happy again..
Greets Kur0-Nek0