i am so fucking worthless. from my head to my toes, i hate myself. i care for people who dont care about me, and maybe thats my problem. maybe thats why i feel so worthless.
it hurts when you know that youre always the one there for your friends. whether its 2am or 2pm, youre there. dropping what your doing to support them, because thats the kind of person you are. the kind that cares too much and falls in love too hard. maybe the reason why im always there for people is because i never want them to feel as alone as i do. because i always want to make people feel like theyre worth something, like theyre special human beings on this planet. i always just want to make people feel loved. because thats one thing that i wish i felt. love.
now its not like i have some shitty life with no friends. i have a fair amount of friends. people who are fun to hang out with and genuinely make me smile from time to time. but for some reason, when the going gets tough, when im drowning in my own tears and my own thoughts, none of them are there for me. its like once they see that im suffering no one wants to deal with it, yet im always there for them. always.
why does this always happen to me? i try my hardest to be a good person and make people feel special, but in return i get nothing. i get silence.
one person who i thought would always be there is my boyfriend. i thought he was different. i did so many things for him, like helping him break his shyness and show him how fun the world can be if you just go outside. but instead, im left here, crying, knowing hes lost feelings for me because hes acting strange. because he ignores me texts and takes hours to reply to them when hell reply to others. when he stops saying he loves me. i ask myself, why doesnt he just fucking break up with me if im that much of a drag. but thats when i realise, he doesnt because he knows itll be the last straw, the one that will push me over the edge where i kill myself. and he doesnt want to live with the guilt thinking it was his fault.
what great people i have in my life, eh?
10 comments
I know how you feel.
My life is the exact same.. I try to be there for someone, but get nothing in return.
My kindness is my own killer.
People often try to ignore me as much as possible when I try to talk to them..
And I have never even had a girlfriend.. It really sucks, because there actually is a girl I really love. But she likes my friend, but he doesn’t care about her.. He even went into a 2 day relationship with her just because he was so desperate for a girlfriend.. Why? Why are most of my friends such jerks, but they can still make others fall in love with them..
Maybe it’s because I’m scared to talk to others that they stay away from me?
Anyways, I really know how you feel. The feeling that you have when no one cares about you..
It really is painful..
Greets Kur0-Nek0
ive been in youre position before. thats really rough, but i hope things end up working out for you
Thanks!
I hope your life ends up working out too somehow..
I know it’s hard, I am also suicidal, but try to not give up okay?
You will have some chanche to live a decent live as long as you’re still alive, but if you die.. That chanche will drop to 0..
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Beautifulsinner…. I think we are soul twins…. you pretty much described me to a T. I am exactly like you in that I am always there for everyone else but when I am in need I get the silence or feeling like I don’t matter… my hurt doesn’t matter.
I don’t know maybe some people just don’t have the same levels of sympathy or empathy to give, maybe they just aren’t capable of it. Sucks though doesn’t it. Sucks always being the rock for everyone else, but not having one yourself when you need one.
haha ive always wanted a soul twin 😉 but it really does. i bottle up all my emotions because i dont want them getting in the way when im helping others. i just wish there was someone else out there that cared about me the same way i care about others. sometimes the person who is there for everyone else needs someone too
Absolutely. It seems cruel that some of us are forced to walk alone through life…. all… the…time. I used to bottle up my emotions tightly too but have gotten better at letting people know, “Yeah? You think I am tough? Like I can handle anything?” Well I am tough… but I am also human and can’t keep doing it anymore and I can’t tell you how close I have come to losing my shit!.” And then I get that look of fear (the ” oh my god she’s coming unglued….what the hell do I do?” look)…. and then silence…. most think the worst is over for me but the secret I have is it was just a piece of a much larger picture that I have struggled with all my life… it’s just coming to a head I think…. and I am just getting more comfortable letting it out… although no one knows about my suicidal ideation. That I keep to myself so no one tries to have me locked up. I don’t know I could or would trust anyone with that.
Heck, I’ve been there for people who are supposedly like me (a mess inside). I’ve listened, no matter how much they talked about their problems. But when it comes to me, I’m being ‘too negative’ or too ‘draining’… So if I start talking about ‘happy’ things or being positive suddenly it changes, they like that. Yes, I am happy, but when I’m really down, I do not like that feeling of being dismissed, made even worse by the fact they were similar to me, so I thought they would UNDERSTAND!!! unbelievable. why should I listen to your problems when I get this in return?!
I have hardly any friends, only online, up to 4. If I was better at conversation it might be different. But if I can’t even be myself what’s the fucking point? If I have to change or pretend to fit their rose coloured glasses criteria? If everything is just ‘positive’, enjoy that bubble your living in… I’m not looking for more friends, I guess I sound like a selfish prick… some people I have been there for as well, I might as well as dropped off the Earth… Its exhausting anyway. I try to be kind. That’s all…
I’m kinda babbling here so I’ll stop.
Oh I love the “you’re so negative.” comment. I just want to punch people in the face when I hear that. It’s like “Live my life and then come talk to me…. you’d be negative too!” When one thing after another happens and most is not in your control how are you supposed to feel? Happy as a pig in shit? I had a flat tire the other day I needed that like a whole in the head financially and what I am supposed to just laugh it off? I did laugh cuz that’s my shit luck just continuing on… honestly it looked like someone knifed my tire the gauge was pretty big and serrated on the side, not the actual tread of the tire. Yeah me!
Exactly!!
It’s almost like you are segregated like “you are the one who belongs in the group of people who have their crap together ” and so people don’t allow you ever to go outside that. That’s how they see you and want you in their eyes. You can’t possibly come undone… because THEY are the ones used to being helped, being the victim, that’s their role. They don’t know how to deal with you any different way…. it’s what they know, expect, and count on…. and therefore we are screwed with no one for us to turn to but professionals who get paid to listen to us. Some helpful and seemingly, from what I have heard, a lot aren’t…. so that sucks.