It feels like I’ve been gone forever.
And it looks like it, too.
So much has happened in the last few days. I’ve been so incredibly busy; I had school on Thursday, then I had work, then I had a gig, then I got maybe four hours of sleep, then I had work again for the rest of the day. I hadn’t even realized it had been more than a day since I had eaten. I stopped by my friends house on the way back to return something but by the time I staggered upstairs I was in such bad shape I couldn’t see straight. I was horribly nauseous. My head was exploding and I felt like a breeze away from collapsing altogether. My friend talked/forced me into staying over since he, and even I, wasn’t confident in me making it home safely. He gave me two Exedrins and after an hour or so I felt good on my feet, so we talked about stuff for a while. Turns out he had no idea I ever cut, even though I thought he was the first to know, and kind of freaked out a little. I explained it, the struggle I’ve been having the last week or two with the relapse (which I partly blamed my extreme exhaustion on), and that my mom told me she didn’t want me around anymore over the most trivial issue, and he told me something too that had been bothering him. He talked me out of going in for my full work day the next day and taking time to recover.
I went to the appointment and they doubled my dosage of Prozac. It wasn’t what I was hoping for but it’s better than nothing. That’s for sure.
Somehow I managed not to cut. I did get into a huge argument with my parents after my mom told me I wasn’t welcome anymore, and during that I bit the hell out of my left hand. I still have small, fading mark on my thumb that’s been there for several days now, but I also have hundreds of scars on my right arm that have been around for much longer, so in the end it could have ended up way worse.
I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long. I feel really guilty that I wasn’t here when so much was happening with all of you. I didn’t mean to disappear, but I was just stretched so thin so often. I don’t like seeing any of you in so much pain, but ironically that’s the reason why we’re all here, so there isn’t much I can do. But I feel like if I’m at least here when it happens I can try to stop it from getting worse, and when I read through the last week’s pages and I see what I wasn’t there for,
I don’t know. Fuck, it just sucks what happens to people. It really, really does.
2 comments
Hey there.
Don’t apologize. At the end of the day, we all live our individual lives. Nothing wrong with that.
You are having as much a rough time as anyone else here, and you deserve to be able to focus on yourself when needed.
Know that we are here for you, as we know you are here for us. 🙂
I know what you mean. I have never been so worried about so many complete strangers in my life. I have a really bad feeling Mellowmoods may no longer be with us…. my last conversation with him broke my heart and he hasn’t been around at all the last few days and had admitted to hanging a noose to possibly use that night we were talking. He sounded like he really wanted out so bad, but he did post on a post by Snorlax about his latest attempt…. but no hide nor hair of Mellow since that post…. I keep hoping he’ll pop up but deep inside I don’t expect him too.
It does really suck what happens to people.