To all those I’ve wronged (most of whom I’ve never met.)
Please believe that it says nothing about you.
All it reflects is my own weakness.
And though you may carry scars, they are not what others see.
When they see the real you.
–
To all those I’ve failed.
Please know that someone more adequate is waiting, just around the corner.
To give you what you really need.
Though you may have to look closely, to check it’s really them.
I wish it could’ve been me, but it wasn’t.
I was just filling up space, killing time.
–
To all those who have ever given.
Little moments of unearned kindness, wonder, & beauty.
Whether or not you knew what you were doing for me.
Thank you, though I probably didn’t say it at the time.
You are what makes this life
Worth living.
8 comments
Husk what’s wrong?
It’s complicated. This was the only way I could think to express it.
I have always struggled to express what I feel, writing seems to help. I’m glad you were able to find an outlet.
I can relate. The entire thing
You aren’t wrong. You haven’t failed. You are part of an ineffable system that connects us all.
The standard by which you judge yourself is merely a construct, delivered incomplete and broken by your parents, caretakers, and peers.
The world is so wide and large and complex that it’s trivial to only see the parts of it that reinforce your mindset. Every human being is so damned convinced that they see the world objectively. That is utter bullshit.
Keeping lists in your head of your shortcomings and failures is a great way to block out the good things you might notice.
Seriously, the sense of self is a powerful ingrained tool that will fight tooth and nail to keep you exactly the same. It has no sense of good or bad or logic or common sense. All it knows is me and not-me.
Consciously, we can rearrange the me and not-me lists. But once you get distracted the sense of self tries to put everything back. So it’s a constant struggle, but it can be done. Mindfulness helps. Meditation helps. Positive self-care rituals help. Therapy helps.
Yes! Be thankful for every kindness. Also learn to recognize self-confessed and thank yourself.
You really aren’t that far away from a healthy, positive path in life. It’s just the optics of negativity that makes it look so far away.
* Also learn to recognize self-kindness and thank yourself.
Fuck autocorrect.
I wouldn’t necessarily disagree with you about much of this. Yes, it’s a construct. But letting go of it means letting go of ideas about myself and others that I rely on to make sense of the world. It’s hard to explain, but it’s kind of like this – if you’re not capable of feeling guilty, ashamed etc. at the required moments, then you can’t be part of the community in an emotional sense. You don’t belong. Of course some of the standards are unique to my own sense of inadequacy, but others are fairly universal.
I have yet to work out how to buy groceries without my fragile attempts at mindfulness being utterly crushed. I should probably get some professional help.
1) It means letting go of BAD ideas about yourself and others that you rely on to make sense of the BAD world. Drink the Kool-Aid!
2) Every time I’ve accepted a big change in my life that I thought would change my personality 100% it really only changed about 1%. Getting to a new place in your head is really a bunch of micro-steps. Sip the Kool-Aid!
3) You are obviously feeling guilty, ashamed etc. at the wrong moments! You may be doing that at the right moments, too. Fine, keep that part. But the sad/bad feelings that dive bomb your head out of a blue sky are obviously unwarranted. Can I get you some more Kool-Aid?
4) Yes.