that I give myself with a saw-edged knife.
Oops, just a papercut.
Happens when you’re sorting through piles of paper for academic purposes.
Haha fuck no the idea that I’m even working at all? Fucking ridiculous.
These little papercuts.
It’s so wonderful, the moment when I saw back and forth and press gently on the knife onto my hand, I realise I’m just a piece of meat. Bag of saline. Skeleton.
The red line is very beautiful.
–
You see, I don’t want to study. Or work.
I’m alive for no reason.
It confounds me.
Seeing blood gives me a sense of equilibrium.
It stops the uncontrollable crying.
5 comments
While cutting is obviously never a ‘good’ sign, at least it means you’re still alive. I hope you find a greater sense of peace soon.
Thank you, husk. Thank you for caring.
I appreciate this. 🙂 Thank you for writing it.
Did you know that there are bleeding techniques in acupuncture that are geared towards the same equilibrium you are describing? They call it releasing excess heat, and stuff like that. The excess comes out in a few drops of blood, done by wiggling and turning the acupuncture needle at certain specific points. An acquaintance of mine who is an acupuncturist told me about it.
My favorite technique is walking through a holly bush. That’s really not a joke. 🙂
So acupuncture is a medically approved form of harming the body in order to release endorphins? Very interesting.
I haven’t found a holly bush around here yet, but it seems less controlled than a blade. Each to their own.
🙂 Yes, the Holly bush is uncontrolled, but it’s the act of walking through the pain so literally that somehow reminds me of my inner strength. Plus I am almost pathologically afraid of sharp man-made objects, but not plants apparently.
In the Chinese Medicine tradition the concept is that some emotions are hot(like anger) or cold(like sadness) and that when blood is drawn intentionally to release heat, they are referring to the cathartic effect of bleeding with intention to release something trapped/unexpressed. Stop me if I’m to much of a nerd here.