Long time lurker

I have been lurking here for years. I also posted quite a few comments. In doing so I must say I am impressed with the caliber of the people here and touched by the care given in the comments by others. At last I feel safe here to tell my story. It is long, I type in short bursts, so I likely will need to make several postings. I will start by saying that I first verbalized suicide at 14 and here I am a 59 year old man and am still trying to find the resolve to get it done amid many competing interests in the final outcome.

I am the repository of all my experiences the pain of which could drive many to an earlier grave. It actually began just after birth. I am still looking into this. Lets just say premature infant care was likely to be very stressful to the newborn in 1957.

Add to the rough start a parental unit that was often neglectful, cruel. and on at least one occasion, viscous.

It  probably did not help that public schools in those days were into corporal punishment as well.

Hope I am not depressing too many people here with what I say or will be saying. I am in therapy but far from sure of the outcome. Right now my nervous system is where all the pain is stored and it remains to be seen whether I will do the merciful thing and turn it off or do the “right” thing and somehow learn how to continue this mortal existence. Again I want to say that some of the greatest people I have ever known hand out here on sp.