I cut my wrist the other day and a family member saw it briefly. I lied, said I scraped myself. I’m surprised they believed me, because I refused to show them the “scrape” and was so panicked I didn’t fake well. I nearly passed out when I thought I’d been discovered. I’m not cutting very often now-once or twice a week-but I cut at least nine times when I do. I guess I’m a failure at cutting too…I never knew that there could be so much wrong with one person. I literally cannot think of one thing I like about myself or my appearance. A little while ago a family member told me that I’m not eating enough, but I’m eating too much! I am so fat compared to everyone else. I am so ugly. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise. And my family says other family members are beautiful, but they tell me that I look “cool”, not “beautiful”, most of the time. I know they mean well, but…I haven’t been exercising enough. I haven’t been cutting enough. I’ve been getting episodes of brain zaps and chest pains that doubled me over and my family pooh-poohs them a little and indirectly says a different family member is going through more. Again, they don’t mean to pooh-pooh it. Are brain zaps from anxiety? I’m barely drinking water too. I can’t find the effort to take care of myself. Also: a little while ago some family members told me that suicide is selfish most of the time because the pain isn’t “real”, you’re not thinking about the impact on others, etc, etc. It made me so angry! How can they think that?! Suicide is because of internal pain, and it’s selfish for family to expect someone to go through that agony so that they don’t have to go through the suicide of a loved one. And those family members can’t decide what’s “real” or not for another person. It’s not right. Whatever. Another spectacular fucking day in a body that I don’t want. Cheers.
7 comments
You were really lucky that they believed you.
And it’s good that you only cut once or twice a week.
I cut everyday, and I have around 25 cuts on my left arm.
So I don’t think that I’ll be able to make them believe a lie..
Greets Kur0-Nek0
Oh velveteen it’s important to stay hydrated, that may be what your brain zaps are from. Electrolytes being off and such can mess with your head…. eating is important to, but drinking plenty of water and keeping hydrated is more important.
It’s hard for people to be of any real support when they have no idea what it’s like to feel severely depressed and suicidal, they just don’t know what they are talking about and therefore make such ridiculous statements because of their ignorance. And because they are so ignorant to the plight of a suicidal person they aren’t capable of giving true support that is worthwhile… they just don’t have the ability and mindset for it.
I want to cut everyday, but I can’t make myself do much of anything because there isn’t enough time and I never get done what I should get done. If I wasn’t so stressed about doing what I feel like I should, then I would cut more. I cut mostly on my legs too so that nobody finds out, which is really hard because I like cutting my arms more.
And I know I should stay hydrated, but I can’t motivate myself to take care of myself or get dressed nicely or anything. Which is probably part of the reason I look so awful.
Oh I here you there…I haven’t showered in three days I think, my appetite seems better than it’s been though. I have a lot I should be doing too, but can’t get the energy up either. Actually feeling hungry again though which is weird since I just started Wellbutrin which seems to make most people’s appetite decrease, not increase, but side effects can be different from one person to another.
As far as cutting I will be honest, I am pretty ignorant about, I don’t really understand it and how it’s helpful. I feel like something like that would just add to my depression, make me feel worse. I don’t mean to sound insensitive… I just don’t understand how it’s a release for people. Feel free to explain if you want, or not, that’s ok too.
I like to try and understand everyone’s process and mindset on here to help me communicate better with them… but I know it can be a very personal thing and a sensitive topic for many.
you’re very lucky they believed you.. I had to tell my parents about what happened to my arm but atleast I’m getting help now. I don’t like how I look either, but I am assuming you are truly beautiful. Please drink water you’ll become very weak I haven’t lately and I feel awful. have a good day xoxo
Yeah, I won’t shower for a week and go out in a dirty hoodie. I know I should take care of myself, but what for? It’s not like anybody will notice me either way. Regarding the self harm, I began with digging my nails in my arms. It was a way to get my mind off of my feelings. When I started cutting, it not only took my mind off but I actually liked the pain and the blood, however crazy that sounds. Also, I like to know that I’m physically doing something about my internal pain, however unhealthy my response is. Because I have been cutting for a while, I have to cut more than I used to to feel better though. I also like the way my scars look-they’re the only part of my appearance I like, which sounds really weird, I know.
Sadpineapple: thanks for what you said. 🙂