I think that i have come to a realization tonight in the midst of all my tears that might finally give me the courage to go ahead and kill myself, end it all, pull the trigger…whatever you want to call it. I think i have to live and die for myself. What has been keeping me from killing myself this last year or so has been my nine year old son mostly, and to some extent my dad and some other people in my life. Not wanting to hurt them. Not wanting to irreperably damage my son especially. But i am tired of living only for others. And i dont see any reason to live or have any hope that things will get better. If i want to die and end the misery that should be my right, do you all agree? I saw the other day a note from Kurt Cobain’s daughter, who seems to be ok, thanking him for giving her life. Maybe my son will come out ok. And remember me fondly as the person who gave him life. I am assuming that killing myself will ruin his life but maybe he will be just fine. Pushing through this awful pain day after day for other people’s sake might be noble but do i really need to be noble? I think i can just be selfish if living causes me such extreme pain. Relied relief relief is all i want.
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I understand that you’re hurting and also that you’re concerned about your son. I wish I knew what to say about that, but human-human connections aren’t even close to being my strong point, and any advice I offer would quickly be rebuffed by anyone else who comments. I would ultimately do what is right for me, and let others fend for themselves. Yeah, it’s selfish. But pain is pain and it’s miserable, especially when it’s in your mind, when it IS your mind. Would you consider writing a letter to an older version of your son, explaining things to him for him to read as an adult? Is that something you would feel appropriate doing? Is that appropriate? I’m very sorry for the pain and confusion you deal with.
It’s a tough one. I’ve got close family, but recently I’ve not had any immediate family that I live with, so whilst I’ll be sorry for them they won’t influence my decision. They ain’t in my mind. They have no idea what’s going on in it. It’s obviously much tougher when you have children/spouse/living parents to consider.
I’d advise exhausting all your options first, talk to a therapist or someone you really trust. See what needs to change in your life to make it better to keep on living. If however nothing can convince you to stay then at least make sure that your son will be left in good hands.
I do agree with you that you cannot live for others. Ultimately choosing to live or die is one’s own decision and no one else’s. In my case I’ve come close to ending my life in the past-but I’m glad that I didn’t because someone I care about would’ve ended up on the street if I wasn’t around to help them.
However if one day I decide that I cannot go on living then nothing will deter me from ending it. I’m sorry you feel the way you do but I’m not one to pass judgment since I’ve been in that place too and if suicide had been easier to pull off I don’t think I’d be here today. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
The choice is absolutely yours, and only you can know your own pain. It’s likely that your son will be devastated by your loss. Maybe he will push through that experience and come out the other side. Maybe it will scar him, and in 20 years he’ll be talking about it on a website just like this.
Only you can say whether you’re justified in taking that risk. Nobody else can judge your suffering, or tell you that you should just grin and bear it.
Thanks for the feedback all of you. It is just so hard when I hate seeing any kind of suffering in his little face but yet my own suffering is so intolerable. And his dad lives in another country and is really unable to care for him and I have no brothers or sisters who would do so. I find myself having crazy thoughts like I should take him down with me so he wouldn’t have to suffer (which I will never do but it is upsetting to even have pop up in my mind as a thought). I think the best solution might be to somehow make it look like an accident. Then he would have to deal with the loss but not the idea that I didn’t love him enough to stay here with him. Or writing him a letter for when he is older is also maybe something that would help. Maybe at that point he would be able to understand that it has nothing to do with him.
Chip, Woody, and thehusk covered my first several ideas. Here is another perspective, If I may. I grew up with a delusional mother who was suicidal. I do not see what good her sticking around really did. It did much much harm to me and my siblings to the extent that two of them had to be institutionalized for a while. So if she had gone as she promised it would have been a relief for her and for me, at least. When the mother suffers, everybody suffers to rephrase an old saying.
I also deeply feel your dilemma because I did the selfish thing some years ago and remarried, so I too will leave a very close loved one behind when I catch the bus. As the others have said, the decision is yours. What a spot to be in.
PS I should add I am heading back to therapy but am none too sure of the outcome.
Thanks A 1957. I’m extremely suicidal but not delusional, except as it pertains to the meaning and severity of lost loves and breakups, which I just can’t tolerate. It’s a horrible spot to be in. Choosing between a bleak future of pain and possibly condemning my child to the same. I have a lot to live for and so many blessings but I just don’t appreciate them and the pain and grief is too much. I hope your therapy goes well. I have yet to find much relief in therapy but I know some people have found it literally to be a life saver. Good luck.