DEAR FUCKING ME,
As of yesterday, I’ve officially come across the most miserable day of my year: the day of my entrance into this god-forsaken abyss! Who wouldn’t want to remember my birth, where I nearly died twice before I even got out of my fucking mom (who didn’t even want me, by the way). I really must’ve fallen short; birth is an easy time to die.
I could always blame it on the sadists the world calls doctors. They didn’t really want me to live either, I’m sure (who could fucking blame them?). Unfortunately, their job calls for them to try to keep even the most useless things (such as myself) alive.
You know what I fucking hate? When people say that life gets better. That’s fucking bullshit. They don’t know anything more than you do. Or when they try to pull “inspirational quotes” to keep you alive out of their ass to try to help you. I’m well-aware that I’m being a hypocrite, as I am very guilty of doing this, but it’s fucking bullshit. If someone wants to die, they very likely have a reason that has put them in that position. It’s not like our lives amount to anything. We were given this shitty board game of a life, then were told to play it without having the objectives of it assigned to us. We’re just supposed to know. Surely they can’t ask us to be able to find a meaning; any answer we come up with is unjustified without having the packet of objectives.
Thus, my life has become such a joke. There is no purpose for life, but there is also no purpose for death. For all I know, death may just be another life. I don’t want to come to another one of these “life” things until absolutely necessary.
And you know what? No matter what I do, I’m going to feel guilty. You know what’s fucking hilarious? When I don’t feel guilty, I end up feeling guilty, knowing that I’ve inevitably done SOMETHING wrong. How could I not? I’m fucking shit! Even now I feel guilty because someone is going to waste their time reading this. How unfortunate. If only I could do something right for once.
At this point in my guilty, miserable life, I am waiting for something to kill me, whether it be a lightning bolt, a car I walk in front of, or a toaster I drop into my bathtub. I suppose whatever proves to be the most efficient and causes the least amount of difficulty for those around me.
Or maybe, I’ll live a long, miserable life. That would be nice. I’d deserve the seemingly incessant torture that this life always comes through to provide.
I’M A WORTHLESS **** AND I WANT TO DIE EVERY WAKING MOMENT OF MY EXISTENCE! PLEASE, SOMEONE KILL ME BEFORE I OBTAIN THE HAPPINESS I YEARN FOR! I DON’T DESERVE THIS HAPPINESS! THERE ARE PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY MATTER! I’M SITTING HERE, NARCISSISTIC ENOUGH TO WASTE YOUR FUCKING TIME! DO NOT FUCKING BE NICE TO ME! I AM WORTHLESS! I AM BENEATH WORTHLESS! I AM A DISADVANTAGE TO YOU! IGNORE ME AND LET ME DIE!
Shout out to my brain for being able to fucking torture me this long. Who knew that smashing my head repeatedly into a wall could bring so much truth to me? Keep on living, me! I hope I have to face my fear of immortality. That’s what I get for ruining everyone’s life, right? What, did I actually think that I deserve the gift of death? How fucking stupid am I? Do I honestly think I have the right to be alive when I am constantly ruining everything for everyone?
“I wonder why no one likes me.” MAYBE BECAUSE YOU’RE A WORTHLESS FUCKING *****? I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED RUINING EVERYONE’S GODDAMN LIFE AND PRETENDING LIKE YOU’RE INTELLIGENT ENOUGH TO GIVE FUCKING ADVICE. GREAT FUCKING JOB, *****, YOU RUINED ANOTHER INTERNET FORUM. FUCK YOU, AKIDWITHANAME! I FUCKING HATE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU LIVE AND I HATE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU DIE! FUCK YOU!
I HOPE YOU FUCKING ROT IN YOUR HOLLOW SHELL OF A BODY AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT GUILT, THE GUILT OF BEING ALIVE, FOE THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE! FUCK YOU AND I HOPE REINCARNATION IS REAL SO YOU HAVE TO BE ALIVE AGAIN! I FUCKING HATE YOU ON BEHALF OF THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE! THEY JUST WON’T SAY THEY HATE YOU BECAUSE THEY’RE BETTER THAN THAT, THEY’RE BETTER THAN YOU! FUCK YOU AND ROT IN THIS FUCKING WORLD!
SINCERELY,
Me
P.S. Don’t you dare think about fucking killing yourself; that’s cheating.
Note to reader: Don’t bother writing a comment telling me how I shouldn’t kill myself or a pro-me comment. I am fucking shit. If you knew me, like really knew me, you would hate me also. Also, ignore the shifting point of view. Just ignore me.
8 comments
I feel your disgusting.. dirty.. stinky pain because it’s smells just like mine.. only thing left is to end the fuck out of it.. GOD I’m so fucking done..
Thanks to the sadists the the world calls doctors I am here to suffer too. Fuck them.
I forgot to mention those sadists did what they did in the first two weeks or so of my life as I was born prematurely. Treatment practices of premature infants in 1957 was seriously emotionally damaging as studies in 1940s and 1950’s had already shown. I was “saved ” from a near death so could go home to be severely abused by my mother who was a nutjob. Fuck the sadists.
Lucky old me almost died from the umbilical cord (which is sort of ironic, looking back on my life) and then I shit inside my mom and breathed it all in. I was a piece of shit from the beginning and I’ll be a piece of shit by the end. Maybe I’ll drown myself in fucking shit. That would be fucking satisfying. Anyway, you know what they say: some people accept death and the rest are doctors. They can fear the inevitable all they want; I just wish they wouldn’t force that bullshit onto those around them. They’re just as bad as the bible-thumpers in the way they force opinions down people’s throats.
I’m not gonna say you shouldn’t kill yourself or pretend that I know you but I’m here just to say that I really enjoyed reading this post, partly because I relate to some extent but mostly because it’s somewhat well written and ‘cool’, regardless of how horrible you really are.
You know me, the coolest fucking kid. Anyway, glad it was enjoyable to read. I’m surprised it was a readable piece at all, honestly. It bounces back and forth between the many perspectives of me and thus fails to create a coherent work, but I’m glad someone enjoyed it.
I like you (that sounds super creepy oops). I like all of your parts and perspectives to be quite honest. Even though, I suppose I don’t know you, like really know you, and like you(?) mentioned, if I really did then I would hate you, but actually, I call bullshit.
I’d still like you. You wanna know why I know that? Because there’s no fucking way I saw your post “Why Am I Even Here,” read it, commented for whatever made me think “Damn this person is somebody I want to talk to” all for nothing. Like fuck you, actually, because you’re a wonderful person, and I’m glad I met you, and I don’t care what you think, I’m an ignorant fuck who is right now declaring that YOU OF ALL PEOPLE should not feel this way. So you know what? I don’t want you to die. I don’t think you should die. I don’t think you should die, but that’s not really something I have much of a say on considering 1) LOL I’m the train wreck that is myself who also has suicidal thoughts, and 2) I’m quite obviously not you, and I can not make your decisions.
I feel shitty. I feel shitty because I always tell you how great you are (which you are and I mean it every which way possible), and you probably sit there and think “I’m wasting her time/ She doesn’t even know me/ She shouldn’t talk to me like this/ etc.” which brings you guilt. And I don’t want that. I don’t want you to feel guilty. I want you to feel happy. I don’t care if you’ve never been happy, or if you don’t think you ever will be, but I want you to be. I want you to be a lot of things, a lot of things that I believe you deserve to be even though you disagree.
I hate it because in the end it doesn’t matter what I say, really. You’re going to feel guilty, you’re going to feel useless, you’re going to want to die or want to live or suffer or want to deserve things you think you deserve.
Actually, yeah, that’s right. You deserve to live. Fucking live because you know what? If there’s nothing after you die, and I know you have a religion (Christian, I believe?), but pushing that aside, IF THERE’S NOTHING AFTER YOU DIE, then good job because you wasted your opportunity to suffer to your heart’s desire. So live because I don’t care how strongly you believe in your faith you can’t guarantee anything.
I’m mad. Not at you. I’m mad because I feel so powerless and I’m typing so furiously, smashing my damn keys with my fingers because I can’t do anything. And what am I doing? Am I trying to lift you up or bring you down because honestly I don’t want to do anything BUT lift you up yet I’m telling you to keep on living to suffer? I am a terrible human. And I don’t care, because right now I don’t actively feel like dying, and I don’t want you actively feeling like dying or giving up because I don’t want to be alone in this. And that’s disgustingly selfish, isn’t it? I’m such a *****. I don’t even want you to half assedly live, or live to suffer. I want you TO FEEL ALIVE, dammit.
Fuck everybody who has ever made you feel like you are useless, worthless, a burden, a disadvantage because damn you. You are one of the best fucking things to have ever happened to me, and I just want you to FEEL that with out any guilt.
This is useless. I’m useless. I’m a hypocrite. I hate it. Did I just spend 7/8 paragraphs telling you how to live? I did. And I’m not you. So disregard all of this. Ignore me.
I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but goddammit I want you to be free.
Even though this is a late response but for some reason this message resonates with me I attempted suicide only once on Benadryl 32 pills which don’t do it won’t kill you it’ll just make you regret it and after the same reason why I hate being alive in my own because our brain and other people are the ultimate weapon just kill us we all here want die just painlessly and peacefully this world some of us didn’t ask to be born in the world just kill us.