My mind is my worst enemy. I’ve screamed until I lost my voice over my mind just standing in the kitchen screaming and screaming and screaming! I’ve been getting mental health for years but those people don’t know how to help yiu.
Even when I get myself to a level where I say hey, I think I can live with nyself, MY LIFE GETS RIPPED APART! Every time without fail. Everything ends, no matter how hard yoyo try, even good feelings will pass but bad feelings pass and get replaced with worse. So much crying pain, even physical pain with back problems from numerous car qrecks, knee problems from birth and gee that sure is painful, and my eyes hurt all the tinws. I mean it’s like somebody physically grabs my eyes and turns then to look and I always try to look away as hard as I can because I’m scared.
My knives and razor blades simply aren’t sharp enough barely making me bleed at all as I sit there hacking away at my damn wrists. That’s painful but not near as painful as living. I’ve tried hanging a bunch but never a proper hanging because I don’t have a rope so I use a belt but guess what? I take it off… I don’t know how to keep myself from taking it off!!!!! MY MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY!! I want to die!
Whwnever I come back from a failed suicide method I feel broken, defeated. There’s nothing I want to live for. And I feel bad when I see trees and animals I see the beauty I see it really but at what cost? It’s so hard especially whenever I put my entire being into accomplishing something and it fails but what’s worse is when I’m successful because I turn around and I’m like, is this what I wanted? And then it gets ripped away from me of course.
Imagine like theres a metal plate in your chest and its attached to you by strings on the inside of your body, and then somebody rips it out with all their force just RIPS it out! It’s constant. That’s what I feel like.
I look around and wonder why anybody is alive. Everybody has some bullshit purpose but I know the only reason we exist really is to have sex. But even sex isn’t worth the effort you out into it, or the consequence of having it. I’m completely serious when I say I’ve learned the vast swaths of scared knowledge and have seen reality fall before my eyes, standing completely outside everybody else’s world and realizing how meaningless everybody’s lives are, including mine. Can you imagine what it’s like to look at reality from the outside in and see that the only real reason people go on is because they might have sex? It’s not worth it. Nothing is, especially since it will end soon after.
4 comments
I like your theory about living life only to have sex it’s something I’ve thought about as well
I know how hard it is to have a mental illness…i’ve always seen sex as a thing that as soon as it’s over I’m depressed cuz all you wanna do is it again…nothing good ever seems to last too long…ive learned that after suicide life only gets worse…hence numerous attempts…
I don’t agree that the purpose of life is to have sex. It’s to make your only given life meaningful. To find the definition of your life. To find how awesome you are towards this world. To learn something beautiful. I want to live till the end of life and look back to everything I have done, how far I have come through. I want to know what I will see from that point, It maybes beautiful, It maybe ugly but I’m pretty sure there’s the answer for what is life and who I am, the reason why I was given this life.
I feel you and I agree to a large degree with your idea that we are mostly here to be born, reproduce (or try), repeat, and then die.
Definitely not going to tell you that there is a deeper meaning to life.
But you’re probably going to find something or someone at some point (maybe some good sex? lol) that makes you forget most of your awful realizations. I know it’s hard to believe but you are still human, after all. And you’re probably not going to appreciate having to explain self inflicted wounds at that point. Or struggling to hide them. Or just letting them display to the dismay of everyone around.
Or maybe you will appreciate it, who am I to say?
It’s just kind of a knee-jerk reaction for me to want to tell people to stop self harming…
Anyway, please stop trying to kill yourself. Your attempts are only going to wind up maiming yourself and making you feel worse. The amount of time or effort it would take to actually build up the willpower to “stop taking the belt off” could be spent on other pursuits. Or just sitting around doing nothing. Both are better than permanent disability born out of temporary frustration.
You could take your worldview and craft something useful out of it…Useful to you, useful to the beauty you see, maybe even useful to other people one day.
You’re not wrong for feeling the way you do, but hey, you’ve gotta die eventually. Why struggle so hard for something so effortless?
You’re a cool person for being willing to see some harsh realities. I can tell it’s super rough for you right now but be patient, take care of your body, and try to let go of the resentment against nature with time.
One thing or another will inevitably come around and make it all worth it. Be willing to adapt to your knowledge, and feel your emotions without taking action.