My mind is my worst enemy. I’ve screamed until I lost my voice over my mind just standing in the kitchen screaming and screaming and screaming! I’ve been getting mental health for years but those people don’t know how to help yiu.
Even when I get myself to a level where I say hey, I think I can live with nyself, MY LIFE GETS RIPPED APART! Every time without fail. Everything ends, no matter how hard yoyo try, even good feelings will pass but bad feelings pass and get replaced with worse. So much crying pain, even physical pain with back problems from numerous car qrecks, knee problems from birth and gee that sure is painful, and my eyes hurt all the tinws. I mean it’s like somebody physically grabs my eyes and turns then to look and I always try to look away as hard as I can because I’m scared.
My knives and razor blades simply aren’t sharp enough barely making me bleed at all as I sit there hacking away at my damn wrists. That’s painful but not near as painful as living. I’ve tried hanging a bunch but never a proper hanging because I don’t have a rope so I use a belt but guess what? I take it off… I don’t know how to keep myself from taking it off!!!!! MY MIND IS MY WORST ENEMY!! I want to die!
Whwnever I come back from a failed suicide method I feel broken, defeated. There’s nothing I want to live for. And I feel bad when I see trees and animals I see the beauty I see it really but at what cost? It’s so hard especially whenever I put my entire being into accomplishing something and it fails but what’s worse is when I’m successful because I turn around and I’m like, is this what I wanted? And then it gets ripped away from me of course.
Imagine like theres a metal plate in your chest and its attached to you by strings on the inside of your body, and then somebody rips it out with all their force just RIPS it out! It’s constant. That’s what I feel like.
I look around and wonder why anybody is alive. Everybody has some bullshit purpose but I know the only reason we exist really is to have sex. But even sex isn’t worth the effort you out into it, or the consequence of having it. I’m completely serious when I say I’ve learned the vast swaths of scared knowledge and have seen reality fall before my eyes, standing completely outside everybody else’s world and realizing how meaningless everybody’s lives are, including mine. Can you imagine what it’s like to look at reality from the outside in and see that the only real reason people go on is because they might have sex? It’s not worth it. Nothing is, especially since it will end soon after.