No matter how many times I feel disappointment, sometimes I still feel a spark of hope about certain things. Dumb. Dangerous. Pointless. I felt hope for a moment and then had a crash. For some reason, if I am “happy” (ha! I am never truly happy) then I have a crash right afterwards of AWFUL depression, even worse than the usual, constant depression. Ah. Why does nothing good happen to me? If I want something to happen, it doesn’t. I can think of countless times where I have been left behind, left out, excluded, and/or ignored. Nobody puts my interests first-does this make me selfish that I want this? I just wanted a little something beautiful to call my own, but it didn’t work out. Nothing does. Crashed hope is worse than the crash without the hope. I haven’t felt well lately-it feels like the blood flow in the back of my head is getting cut off. Is this anxiety? Does anyone know what this is? I told my family about this pain, and that I had a time a few days ago where my body was burning, I couldn’t breathe, my throat felt tight, and I was cold and nauseous and felt like I needed to faint, and they thought it was something other than anxiety. Does anyone have an idea of what this is? Also, I’ve been getting really bad headaches but when I told my family they pooh-poohed it and said a different family member “gets this all the time”. Why does nobody take my symptoms seriously?! Alone, worthless, discarded, unable to sleep, help help help, suicide is beautiful, hope is ugly. Why didn’t someone tell me all of this before I was born and give me a chance to say no to being born? I would’ve said no. Hope, life, world, myself: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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8 comments
You are not the only one with problems
blood flow in the back of my head is getting cut off. – not sure about this, if it were real you would most certainly pass out, quickly.
body was burning – also no idea
I couldn’t breathe, my throat felt tight – this sounds like anxiety i’ve experienced, along with considerable uneasiness in the stomach
All in all, Stress? Anxiety? Panic attack? what’s happening around you when you experience these symptoms? What may be weighing on your mind? What kind of situations are you in? If you’re legitimately concerned for your health have you considered a doctor?
When you say you were “happy” were they really high highs? I’ve had that, i thought for a while i developed a manic depressive disorder. Though i think a manic episode doesn’t necessarily need to be that high of a high. But yeah, i’ve been really good and shortly after crashed like a ton of bricks. I’ve actually tried to contain my happiness at times, recently too, for fear of that crash
I’m always prepared for the worst. I am constantly telling myself to not get my hopes up, or hope, because I don’t do myself any favors except damage myself even further.
When I say happy, I mean for instance having my mind taken off of my depression for a very short time and then the rest of the day double sucks. I am always stressed, and when it happened a few days ago it was during homework. My family doesn’t think it’s serious enough to go to a doctor because for some reason they don’t get any of the scope of anything I go through-which isn’t their fault I guess. And yeah hope sucks*sad smile*.
After your hope crashes it turns into a reason added to the list of “why I want to kill myself”
The desperation after failure eventually fades, but the memory is still there, waiting to be remembered.
It is a horrible thing, indeed.
Do you have an insurance of some kind? If nobody takes your symptoms seriously you should get a professional opinion yourself. Nobody will be able to ignore it if you do it.
We can’t afford mental care (which is another reason I haven’t told my family). And I’d be scared to go to a doctor. One of my worst nightmares (literally and figuratively) is being locked in a padded room because I’m suicidal.
Punished for being suicidal, how crazy is that! The fear of being taken captive for suicidal ideation or plans kept me from getting therapy for decades. When I am strongly suicidal these days I never tell my therapist about it.
Hope for a good life on this planet seems misplaced.