I’m Thinking Of Ending Things

I just started reading this book called, “I’m thinking of ending things” by Iain Reid.

The first page describes my mind exactly. Matter of fact, in the last two days I planned and carried out my ‘end’ in great detail. All that’s left is to act on it. But..here I sit. Anyway, I’ll share it here because who else would really ‘get’ this? I just started the book, so I don’t know if it’s any good, but the first page grabbed me.

I’m thinking of ending things. Once this thought arrives it stays. It sticks. It lingers. It dominates. There’s not much I can do about it. Trust me. It doesn’t go away. It’s there whether I like it or not. It’s there when I eat. When I go to bed. It’s there when I sleep. It’s there when I wake up. It’s always there. Always.

I haven’t been thinking about it for long. The idea is new. But it feels old at the same time. When did it start? What if this thought wasn’t conceived by me but planted in my mind, predeveloped? Is an unspoken idea unoriginal? Maybe. I’ve actually known all along. Maybe this is how it was always going to end.

Jake once said, “Sometimes a thought is closer to the truth, to reality than an action. You can say anything, you can do anything, but you can’t fake a thought.”

You can’t fake a thought. And this is what I’m thinking. It worries me. It really does. Maybe I should have known how it was going to end for us. Maybe the end was written right from the beginning.