As i sit in the garden watching my son play happily, the guilt i feel is immense. I can’t believe that on Tuesday i will be gone. Ive planned for so long and prayed things will get better, but they dont. Im tired of fighting and I’m fed up of hurting.
The love I have for my children and family is overwhelmimg, but its because I love them that I have to go. I cannot keep being this miserable person anymore. They deserve better.
Of course i worry about how they will cope, but I have a strong family and they will all be there for the kids.
It hurts to know I will hurt them all but each day im here it destroys me.
I think i have done everything in preperation. Written notes, a plan for what I want to happen and details of finances and will etc.
Just trying to enjoy my last few days but the guilt is painful.
Anyway…..thats me…..just wanted to post on here before i go….thanks guys xx
30 comments
I feel everyone has a life and if they feel they need to end it, that’s their choice. Hell, I feel on a daily basis that my family deserved better than me…they do deserve better. But for reasons I can’t quite fathom, they truly love me. I know my existence here betters their lives somehow. That is a humbling thought. So I stay. Your family would miss you terribly, especially the kids. You are irreplaceable. They will survive but the hole in their heart will be huge. I am really sorry if this sounds like a guilt trip; that is not the intention. Whatever decision you make I truly hope you find the peace you deserve. Living an unhappy life sucks.
Don’t get me wrong I know it’s selfish….I know it’s wrong but what I’m going through isn’t fair on me and therefore affects everyone else. This isn’t a decision I have come to without serious thought. But I have been fighting this for 4 months and it only gets worse. Thank u for replying though. I just feel as though I have to explain my actions….so that not everyone will hate me for my choice.
It’s not your fault. I don’t know your situation but I’m sure you didn’t ask this life. I’m sure you wanted a regular life like everyone else.
Btw which method are going to do if you don’t mind sharing
Four months? That’s it? That really isn’t a long time. Nelson Mandela survived 27 years in prison for an unjust imprisonment, and he didn’t give up and kill himself. I suffered for 4 years and literally went insane and I still didn’t kill myself. And neither should you.
What exactly are you going through, if you don’t mind me asking, and if you don’t mind sharing?
I mean, my family and friends abandoned me after I was treated like an animal and thrown out onto the streets by a family of literal sociopaths. Then I lived alone, slowly going insane for for years. I still didn’t kill myself.
So, because Mandela suffered 27 years in prison and since you’ve also been through some shit for 4years and didn’t kill yourself. He shouldn’t either right?
I mean you’ve all suffered more than him right?
“What exactly are you going through, if you don’t mind me asking, and if you don’t mind sharing?”
Isn’t it what this question is trying to assert?
Here we have the suffering inspector who establishes the benchmark for suffering and lets people know, after how much suffering they have the permission to kill themselves.
You don’t get it do you? It’s the OP’s life and they get to decide what they do with it
What I’ve said is not personal either. It’s just that I’ve had enough of seeing people with that attitude towards other people’s suffering.
If you haven’t dedicated your time and energy to helping someone then you have no right to talk like that to them.
“If you haven’t dedicated your time and energy to helping someone then you have no right to talk like that to them.” I’m trying to help them right now. By alerting the poster to the fact that many people have suffered longer than they have, I am simply trying to encourage them, I am aware of the fact that simply because someone has suffered longer than someone else, it does not invalidate the other person’s suffering. I am simply trying to put things in perspective in case there is a chance of saving this person from despair and suicide. Do you actually want this person to commit suicide in the event that it could have been avoided and things could have gotten better? I’m not saying there is a miracle waiting to happen, I’m simply saying that plenty of problems have solutions that are sometimes hard to see when you are vulnerable and being shortsighted. Sometimes when you actually truly care about people, you have to do and say things things that you don’t really believe in personally, in order to help people that need it, oh compassionate arbiter of insight and wisdom. Because you never know, the other person could genuinely believe what you do not, somewhere inside of themself. Thanks for putting me in my place. Have a nice day.
You know, there were a few things I thought of that I should have said to you that I didn’t. The thing is, I’m sick of emotionally infantile irresponsible idiots projecting their own death wishes onto others on this site. Sometimes, when people are at their wit’s end, they believe suicide is the only option. I am aware of the fact that for some people it will not get better, and I am aware of the fact that despite my attempts at supporting, consoling and trying to prevent another person from committing suicide, that they most likely will not listen and will not take anyone’s advice, because they are merely set on suicide, and I respect that, because I’m suicidal too, and I understand it.
However, not everyone who comes to this site is experiencing the same situation, they could simply be going through a rough patch whereas other people have endured repeated excruciating traumas that have affected them deeply. Assuming that simply because you have no chance for yourself means that another person has no chance at redemption for themself is foolish. People who post comments admonishing people who are merely trying to help think they are making great, valid points, but in reality they just come off as overly aggressive, and scared.
I don’t need to explain myself to you. One day you may grow as a person and have a change of heart, and perhaps then you’ll understand the logic. Negative reinforcement gets you nowhere, and it achieves nothing positive for anybody else. Simply because you are so childish and myopic that you cannot understand these things inherently doesn’t mean that you should go around encouraging other people’s potentially ultimate mistake. I respect the wishes of people who wish to die, I simply do not encourage them in their endeavor to do so in case deep down, it is not really their wish to actually die. I’ve said enough. I hope you come to understand these things and the reasoning behind them in the future. Goodbye, and I wish you good luck in whatever your ultimate endeavor might be.
The bottom line that I forgot to mention is, as you said, if someone wants to die, it is their choice to make on their own, however, it is not your choice to enforce by discouraging anyone who tries to help them or discourage them from doing so, because ultimately, if someone is set on suicide, they’re not going to listen to anyone who tries to convince them not to end it all anyway, but if someone does listen, that means that you may have just potentially helped a person who was merely emotionally unstable due to momentary, ultimately resolvable problems from making the biggest mistake of their life. Get it? See ya.
You do no not owe anyone an explanation…and I owe you an apology.
It’s fine. I have been making mistakes recently too. However there is no one around to correct me when I do. It’s hard being your own intellectual arbiter. So in the very least I try to help people by correcting them when they make mistakes as well.
Wait, what the fuck? You’re not the guy who was talking to me… oops. Well, I wouldn’t expect him to apologize anyway. I have a problem with not checking names. That’s one of those mistakes I was talking about… sorry about this.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. I owe you an apology.
Four months may not sound like a lot but it is a long time when you’re feeling so devastated and out of control. I feel like I’ve lost the last 4 months of my life, it’s been a blur and I’ve just been surviving rather than living.
Don’t think we are allowed to talk methods but seen as I won’t be around for much longer I guess it doesn’t really matter! I plan to use a mixture of prescription pills, alcohol and a plastic bag with elastic band. I’m still not sure on the pill combination but it will consist of zopiclone codiene nytol and mirtazapine. I have 2 bags ready and have 2 elastic bands which I have tried out.
I definitely didn’t choose this life. Not sure what I did for it to choose me….I’m a good person….polite caring and kind….I’m very been dealt a shit hand and I know people deal with worse things….but I’m tired of fighting now. Enough is enough.
Overdosing doesn’t usually work. It usually just fails and causes excruciatingly painful organ damage. I hope you know what you’re doing.
I mean, I don’t know if suffocating yourself will work, but if the pills knock you out, that is what you’re going for right? Then you might just wake up in a hospital and then get shipped off to a different kind of hospital… a mental institution.
I’ve researched it over and over. The pills will make me feel sleepy and knock me out. If they don’t kill me then the bag should do the job. The plan is to be knocked out by the pills then be too out of it to realise I’m suffocating. I’ve looked into the helium method but not sure the canisters readily available have the right concentration in them and a lot of people have tried and failed. I don’t want to fail.
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But how are you going to obtain these pills? Did you just get them online..? That seems shady. Getting them might be illegal, you could get in legal trouble.
Hippo. I’ve wanted to die since I was 14 and I’m 43. I haven’t done it. I’ve gone through phases where it hasn’t been an issue, but I always come back to it. It is a feeling, not to trivialize feelings, but it IS a feeling and how to respond to it is everything. I’m praying/thinking about why I always come back to this. Why suicide? Some people can be given the exact same circumstances in their life and those thoughts never occur to them. Me, I think about it a lot. I think we all have a different answer to that question of “why suicide” and it’s not a quick or easy one. 4 months is no time at all. Just because it hasn’t gotten better in 4 months doesn’t mean it won’t. Your life is your life, but it does intersect with others. If you enjoy watching your children play, if you still can get any please or feel love, think about it. I’m sorry for your suffering and I understand your pain.
Thank you for saying what it seems I cannot.
I have the zopiclone and mirtazapine, codiene and nytol can be bought.
Whilst I can still get pleasure from seeing my children happy I know I can’t give them what they deserve.
I wish and prey every day but my condition only gets worse. I just feel like I’m done….it won’t get better so what’s the point in leading a miserable life and dragging everyone else down with me. I feel like I want to free them and myself….
What-exactly-HAPPENED?
Hippo, I respect your decision, but please be open to the possibility that your situation could improve.
I’m 47 and have had major depression and anxiety even as early as 12 years old.
To me, ending your life after only 4 months of suffering is like someone with a small tumor on their arm telling the doctor to remove both arms and legs just to be safe.
It sounds like you’ve thought things through financially to make it easier on your family which is really good. And leaving notes helps tremendously.
Just please consider giving it one more month.
I wish you peace, especially in these final days if you decide to go through with it. But I hope you reconsider and a year from now look back with utter disbelief that you even were at this point and posting here.
Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment. I do not want to be talked out of it as my mind is made up. Unless a miracle happens then I’m not going to get better and I can’t live like this.
I do not want to die. I just don’t want to live like this.
I think that is pretty much everyone’s reason. I do not wish to die, I just don’t want to live like this. All the pain, the suffering, I wish I could just be a normal person and do what every other normal person does and fit in just like the rest. Not having to live this miserable existence.
I actually want to be dead. I just don’t look forward to the mental and physical pain associated with dying. When I still had hope, I felt the way you did. I no longer do. I do not want to live.
I know, I’m starting to just want to die anymore as well. It seems I am more and more looking forward to finally being free of this existence. The only reason I don’t kill myself right now is because of the physical pain associated with dying as you said.
Hey it’s your life, you do what you wish. No one can tell you to live or die as they do not have to walk in your shoes. I know some people may say to you, “You’ve only been suffering 4 months?” And while I understand their reason I also realize that I’ve been suffering for 10 years and I wish I killed myself earlier, I wish I didn’t have to suffer all those years. I hope whatever you do you find peace in the end.
Thank you xx