.

Hmmm, I guess it’s much simpler to function when you can approach things from a single mindset. I suppose with me it comes from having the time to analyse my own guilt. Through that I come to recognize that different parts of me are trying to be very different people, based on different views of the world. I try to find some way to balance these views, so that I can live in an effective, coherent way. But I can’t.

One part tells me ‘You should be dead. What you are shouldn’t exist in the world.’ Another tells me ‘It doesn’t matter, do it again, you’re just following your instincts.’ Yet another says ‘This is not who you really are. You need to find some way to the life you truly want.’ Then there’s ‘All this is meaningless, and it would be better if nothing existed’, and ‘All of this is a delusion, which you need to let go of.’

But I’m guessing with you it comes from a better place.

All interesting subjects, which I was happy to contemplate behind the safe wall of a single mindset, until I couldn’t anymore, and it became more of a ‘pressing issue.’ Or perhaps even contemplating such things from behind a mental shield led to the disintegration of my sense of self. I don’t know.

Sure, we subjugate our instincts to the extent that we can get by in society. But unfortunately some things slip through the cracks – they go unnoticed by others, yet still separate us.

Sorry, I appreciate that my evasiveness makes talking somewhat frustrating. Although just to be clear, ‘slipping through the cracks’ wasn’t meant to be innuendo.

Always. If it was something I could talk about (or even think about clearly), then I wouldn’t be here. Some things you just can’t make right.

I suppose I’m not sure what ‘starting where I am’ means for me at this point. If I had vehicular man-slaughtered someone, then I guess it would be turning myself in to the authorities.

I don’t think what I’ve done has hurt anyone that badly. I’m not sure whether it’s had any real world impact at all. But at the same time it feels far worse in many ways.

I don’t know, it’ll sound nuts, but I kind of wish it was something like that. While I would still have the guilt of it, at least I’d know it was an accident. An error, rather than something fundamentally wrong with my motives. It being clear cut might make it easier to deal with. Not that I’d want to have that effect on someone, but it might be easier.

Welp, like I said, from many angles it’s worse, guilt wise. So that feeling’s definitely a part of the mix.

I’ve told one person irl – a therapist. He was a specialist in related issues. He was respectful & non-judgmental, but he was never able to give me a sense that what I’d done wasn’t terrible. I told him the what, but I never really got into the why. Admitting not only that I’d done something awful, but that I had no excuse other than being a selfish, was too much.

I’ve told a few people online, and they’ve all tried to be helpful, but again, it’s never seemed any less of a huge thing, and I’ve never got any sense of how to live with it.

At the same time, a significant part of my mind does believe that it’s no big deal, and resents the idea that I should feel guilty. It’s just not strong enough to convince myself long term.