Therapy today. The whole day went well just until the end. I got set off into a panic attack and then found out about the rejection. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I compulsively shoulder all the blame I can? I’m still having a panic attack but it’s on that low burn now. The kind that sits in the back of my head pushing and prodding until it drives me crazy and I’ll do anything to make it stop.
So much for being a “well-adjusted individual”.
I don’t know how to deal with hurt. What do I do with it? It seems like my mental wounds never actually close up. I keep bleeding out pain no matter how much I try to accept or deny it. I feel like a mess and I feel like I should be able to do better than this. I feel bad about feeling this bad. Learning about autism has been helpful in understanding why I don’t react like most people but it still really sucks. I’m going to have a hard time sleeping for a while. Fuck it. I’m NOT going to obsess about this. This one isn’t my fault, this time someone else spoke too soon and too much about things they couldn’t deliver on. I haven’t lost anything but Goddammit it sure feels like it.
3 comments
all i have are distractions, and saying it doesn’t matter.. sometimes with pain i think it’s dealt with but it’s more like i left it in a room and opening the door i feel that same flood from before.
So does everyone just always feel the pain?
I don’t think so. Most people.. Time can help them let go, perspective of the situation, talking it out with others, and focusing on other things til it isn’t as strong. It depends on the hurt and amount of closure.