Dreams

I recently read somewhere that dreams are our minds way of showing us what we really want, then reminding us why we can’t have it. That kind of made sense to me. I have 3 or 4 types of dream, all of which generate negative feelings of some sort.

I dream a lot about my extended family – my cousins & aunts. I haven’t seen or been in contact with most of them for 7 years. I’ve completely avoided it. I’ve missed their weddings, the births of their children, everything. I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want the awkwardness of their pity. To have to admit through small talk that I’ve completely failed to function as an adult.

In my dreams we’re usually children, often staying all together on holidays, as we did from time to time. Those were some of my happiest memories when I was young. I remember the excitement at seeing everyone again. But as I grew older, this slowly turned to dread. I began to feel a deep sense of inferiority, and an inability to function socially. I always felt awkward, like I’d said something stupid, or didn’t know what to say. I felt like the odd one out. And this is echoed in the dreams. Something always goes wrong, and it’s my fault. I am exposed as the one who doesn’t belong.

Then there’s dreams about people I knew in school. Sometimes those I was nominally friends with, sometimes those I hated. A prevailing theme is trying to impress people – to manage to be sufficiently cool. To be popular. To win over those who bullied or rejected me. I try so hard to say or do the right thing. And I often succeed. But it never feels good. Because every single interaction is full of such anxiety, trying to navigate through a way of thinking that seems baffling and alien.

I remember how good it could be to feel part of a group, socially accepted. Then I’m reminded of how that feeling drained away over the years, as it became clear that I was definitely not cool, and every utterance would need to be monitored to avoid mockery, rejection, and being targeted.

I sometimes dream of girls I knew – some that liked me, some that didn’t. It’s a nice feeling to remember – knowing that someone’s into you, or that they care about you, and feeling the same, however briefly. In my dreams I’m a much better talker than I ever was in real life. I’m able to put my anxiety aside enough so that I can actually enjoy flirting. But it’s bittersweet. I wake remembering that it was years ago – that they moved on, ultimately disappointed in my inability to put my anxiety aside. That now I mean nothing to anybody.

I occasionally dream of my compulsions, and letting them run completely free. It’s exhilarating and satisfying yet also terrifying, horrifying, and degrading. I wake full of fear, and it takes a while to remember it was only a dream, and my guilt and shame are unearned (this time).

Every day I wake up drenched in sweat, feeling like my brain’s been involved in a really one-sided fight. There’s an exhausted ache behind my eyes. In many ways I feel more tired than when I fell asleep.