I can’t believe I am at this place in life. I have always had depression issues. However; I worked very hard with therapy and medication and was able to build a normal life. I live close to the beach, have a good job, in shape etc etc. I met woman and we fell in love. Everything was going finally going well. The one week after my 42 birthday I started having erectile dysfunction issues. I have been to all the doctors, tried all the fixes, and nothing is working. The last year and half have been a living nightmare. My body has changed significantly and I have no more self confidence. The woman who was previously in love with me just left a month ago because she could not go without sex any longer. How the fuck did this happen to me? Why the fuck did this happen to me?? My life is ruined. I can’t concentrate at work, I can’t even look people in the eye an longer, and now I have to think about the woman I loved out having sex with other men because I could no longer satisfy her. My mind just can not reconcile this new reality. This is just to much to handle. I have told all my family I am having serious thoughts of ending my life. I have the full exit bag kit set up and ready to go. I am just waiting until after Easter. I am 90% certain I am going to go through with this. I can’t stand the thought of a future with no sex, no love, no intimate moments. I looooove that stuff and now its totally gone for me. I think it would be better to end my life now with some dignity rather than slide further into this hell. I am just worried there is an afterlife and I will have to deal with this shit there.
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I can definitely understand the sex issue being a major factor in wanting to end it. My ex ended it for sexual reasons (among others). I’ll say that intimacy is still possible even if your body isn’t willing to cooperate. There are women out there capable of loving despite sickness. I’m not against you ending it, that decision is still in your court. Would you be interested in trying to process the grief?
I wish I had a bandaid cure, grief from loss is very potent. There is a great community here with knowledge and support that can help. You’ve got a few days left and nothing to lose by seeking help. I don’t just mean help on living, there’s help here for processing through end of life issues.
hank you for your insight. I have been processing the grief for over a year and half. I knew once this started there was no way the relationship was going to last. It is not all about the loss of the relationship really. It is about the loss of myself. I am no longer the man I had become over 43 years. This fucking condition eats away at you every single day. I know people say sex is not everything and it is not but in most cases it is the glue that holds a relationship together. I waited a long time to find love and finally when I did life fucked me once more by giving me this condition. My body has changed physically as well to the point I no longer like looking at myself in the mirror. As for processing through end of life issues… I am not sure what you meant. But I have done my homework so far. I am in the process of packing everything in my apartment, have an updated will, written letters to loved ones. I am waiting until after Easter to make a final decision. If I do move forward my final plan is to convert my bank accounts and retirement funds into cash and leave the cash in a lockbock for my brother. Fuck the IRS. I have secluded place picked out and will be able make the exit in my car ( my landlord is super cool and don’t want him to have to tell the next renters there was a suicide in the place). At this point the only thing stopping me is thoughts of my Mother and how it will affect her. But my anger and rage is building to the point that I am losing those concerns. I never thought I would be here.
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I don’t know where to click to reply. This seems to be a reply to a reply rather than to the post.
I just want to say there are a number of people who have learned that sex is only a component of a relationship, it’s not the whole deal. What about when a couple get older? Yes some continue an active sex life but many more settle into togetherness and love. I for one wouldn’t leave someone for erectile dysfunction if everything else was good. Don’t lose hope, there are good people out there….
I too am grieving the loss of a relationship right now. I don’t want to kill myself but I just don’t see the point in being alive. I hurt so much inside. I just want it to end.
Thank you for your insight. I have been processing the grief for over a year and half. I knew once this started there was no way the relationship was going to last. It is not all about the loss of the relationship really. It is about the loss of myself. I am no longer the man I had become over 43 years. This fucking condition eats away at you every single day. I know people say sex is not everything and it is not but in most cases it is the glue that holds a relationship together. I waited a long time to find love and finally when I did life fucked me once more by giving me this condition. My body has changed physically as well to the point I no longer like looking at myself in the mirror. As for processing through end of life issues… I am not sure what you meant. But I have done my homework so far. I am in the process of packing everything in my apartment, have an updated will, written letters to loved ones. I am waiting until after Easter to make a final decision. If I do move forward my final plan is to convert my bank accounts and retirement funds into cash and leave the cash in a lockbock for my brother. Fuck the IRS. I have secluded place picked out and will be able make the exit in my car ( my landlord is super cool and don’t want him to have to tell the next renters there was a suicide in the place). At this point the only thing stopping me is thoughts of my Mother and how it will affect her. But my anger and rage is building to the point that I am losing those concerns. I never thought I would be here.
So you are going to kill yourself because you have erectile dysfunction? You’re pathetic
John Doe, way to judge people as if your reason is any better. Looks like you’ve been on this site for 8 years just because you cant make any friends. Wonder why hmm?
Thanks for your opinion. I do feel pathetic. I just lost the love of my life because I could no longer sexually satisfy her. So your right I feel pathetic. If I did not feel pathetic I would not be posting my imminent demise on a website for strangers to read. I just went and picked up a 40cl bottle of ******** from a welding supply store as I don’t think the 20cl one I had previously obtained is enough to ensure fatality.
53 years old, pretty much a virgin again because it’s been longer than my pride will allow me to admit, and mostly because of E.D.
It sucks, but in some ways, it’s better. A lot less drama and stress and bullshit in general.
That probably is no comfort to you, and I get it, so I’ll wish you peace in your decision.
I am sorry you are going through the same thing. I don’t think anyone that has not dealt with this understands what it does to you. The timing of the onset of mine is what is really fucking with me. I had finally found the love of my life. Now it’s gone. I don’t think I will ever be able to reconcile that in my mind. I just want to fucking end this pain. People that say sex is not everything in a relationship just have not been through this. It is not everything but its a key piece. I salute you for soldering on. I am wondering how I can??
Yeah, It’s a difficult subject to understand. Getting through it, like anything, is different for everyone. It became an issue for me when I was with someone I didn’t love, like you do, and so I didn’t have the emotional trauma of what you’re dealing with. I don’t give sound relationship/love advice, so I’ll leave it at that, and still wish you peace in whatever you decide.
Thank you for your words. It is the most frustrating thing in the world to have the woman of your dreams, to be so connected physically and emotionally, and to have it slip between your fingers due to this. I am trying to reconcile this but I just can’t seem to make it work…. it has melted my brain.
thank you for sharing your journey and troubles. Please ignore such rude people that dont know you and arent in your shoes.
I can see how what your going through could greatly affect a relationship. The fact that she left shows a lot about how important it was to both of you.
I think what someone said above is true. At a certain age sex cant even happen anymore. There are women out there that would love you anyway. Thats true love.. but anyway if youve made up your mind and the pain is too great that is understandable too. Pain is pain… i wish the best for you.