The last time I talked to my ex was in February. He was on the verge of being my friend, but then I just unloaded to him all my feelings and he shut off again. That was the last time I talked to him. I promised myself that I wouldn’t look at his Facebook account. And I’ve been good on my word… until yesterday.
The thing is… I don’t know. I HATE that I think this but every time I talk to him, look at his FB or anything. I just fall in love all over again.
I’m trying to talk sense to myself. I should be OVER him. I should be SO over him. I’m not. I don’t know how I can ever be. He’s perfect for me. He’s not perfect, not by a mile, but his imperfections are everything. I sound insane, don’t I?
I don’t know what to do. I am trying to move on to the best of my ability. I’ve been kind of dating. I’ve been meeting new people. I’ve been loving myself. Taking care of myself. Exercising. Eating well. Getting fresh air. I laugh. I’m just trying to live my life the best I can.
Yes, I think I’ll always have suicidal ideation. But I’m accepting that it may be apart of me. I don’ REALLY want to die. I just… don’t want to hurt. I want my ex in my life. But I want him to be happy, too. I looked at his FB and it seems as if he’s trying to find his own happiness as well. He’s connecting with people and strengthening his friendships. It’s like we’re on this same parallel path,but I really want us to intersect.
We don’t NEED each other. I don’t NEED him. I just really want him in my life. I get ONE life. ONE! Why can’t I just have him in it? And why can’t I put on my adult pants and just be grateful for the time I had with him? Why do I want more and more and more and more? I’m still very much in love with him. And I don’t know how to stop being in love with him. =(
5 comments
You touched on so many things I have experienced and did it eloquently. Thank you.
You’re welcome. Thanks for reading.
I really shouldn’t have looked at his Facebook account. I just have to not look at it again and move on. Distract myself. Continue living the best I can. Maybe I’ll meet someone else in the meanwhile. Maybe he will too. Part of me was hoping that I’d find some evidence on his FB page that he was maybe dating someone or interested. He still could have someone that he’s talking to, but from what I could tell, he’s not. The way he talks about things on his page. If I did get a whiff that he was dating or had found someone else, I think it would be easier to move on from him. This is why I shouldn’t be looking at his FB account. I just need to move on, no matter what.
Are you two married? I’m just wondering. My impending divorce has left me with permanent ideation. Suicide will always be an option for me. I hoard pills I don’t need (narcotics, and others that are given after surgeries). I have access to enough Phenobarbital to kill a horse. I don’t have peace if I don’t have the option to be done if I reach my end. I am very sorry for what you’re going through and I hope it gets much better for you.
We’re not married. We talked about marriage though. We were very much in love and that’s why I’m having such a hard time. A very hard time. I’m so sorry about what you’re going through though. I never want anyone to end their life and I hope you find something worth living for. I understand the pain of loss. It’s more horrible than I could have ever imagined. I was never like this before. Sigh.