I’m tired

• Exhausted, really.  I’m tired of being sad all the time and I’m tired of fighting to stay alive.
  Physically, I’m perfectly healthy(ish).  I shouldn’t have to fight to live.

Dying is ways in the back of my mind but sometimes my brain is screaming at me to just fucking do it already.  I guess technically I am my brain.  Does that mean I’m telling myself to die?  They say to always trust yourself first.  Does that mean I should listen?

There’s an ache in my ribcage and my throat feels tight from trying (and failing) not to cry.  All I can do is lie in bed and clutch at my chest and bite my lip to stop from screaming at nothing.

It hurts and it’s so stupid.  Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stup id stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupidstupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupidstupid stupid stupid stupid stuPid stupid stupid

I’m tired of always having the urge to tell people how I’m feeling. They shouldn’t have to worry. I shouldn’t burden them with any of it. Burden. Bother. Suffocate. Too much.

I don’t know how much longer I can last off of meds. My doctor got really sick and now I can’t get a new prescription like I was supposed to weeks ago.

I’m too much and I’m tired of being too much and I can’t breathe. It hurts and I can’t breathe. I want to claw at my face and I want to scream and I can’t breathe.

I don’t know what to do.