I always feel the same pain, the one that tells me that whatever I do, it will never be enough for me and for others. I am convicted. Convicted to live, to never be happy with myself. And even if it’s just an ephemeral feeling, what is the point to see that only after ? Everything will have been said and done, and I don’t want to be relatively satisfied with my life only when I look back. Because it will be too late. But too late for what ? I can’t even say.
How to live then ? And above all why ? I can’t even cry or feel anything except this silent pain inside me. And there is no “what can I do about it ?” anymore, because I’ve found friends, love and it stills doesn’t feel right. I can’t blame anyone, it’s just my fault, it’s always been. It always comes from the way that I see things, from the way that I think.
And I’m trying so hard, I’m giving everything, but it’s not enough. I’m not enough. I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to live. I just want to be where I belong. I just want to die. I just want to stop thinking about how much I suck for one second. Just for once I want to act like myself and feel at least a little bit good about it.
I don’t want help, because I simply don’t deserve it.
4 comments
Do you have difficulty living in the moment, or enjoying the little things? It sounds like you’re fixating on the possibility of not living a fulfilling life. I think you should just try to remember that all you can do is to try to make the best decisions possible, and pursue the things that you want the most. Worrying about whether you’ll live the best possible life will actually cause the opposite.
Like you’ve said, you’re giving everything you’ve got. That’s all that’s needed. Let the rest just take its course. You are enough and you most definitely do not suck.
I hear what you’re saying and I understand. It’s just that it never feels right you know ? I always end up feeling like something is missing in my life but I know that’s not the case. I feel like I’m stuck. And to respond, I actually enjoy the day the best I can, giving to others, helping, but at the end I feel alone and I can’t accept what the others are giving me back, like I don’t deserve it. I don’t know if that’s clear, english isn’t my language and it’s quite hard to express myself, but your comment goes straight to my heart.
Ah ok, I understand what you’re conveying. Maybe there is something missing. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do? If so, maybe you should strive to go do it. Anyway, I think the biggest issue is that you can’t accept what others give you and that you feel like you don’t deserve your life. Why do you feel like you don’t deserve your life, and these good things from others? Maybe just take your time and really think about it.
You haven’t found your passion yet. You haven’t found what makes you love yourself. Something will get through to you. Look around at things, try things. Anything, don’t judge just jump in. You’ll find yourself. I’ve had a pretty tough life and I’m going through the hardest times I can ever imagine. But what holds me here is that I loved what I was doing before everything went bad. And I trying to use that to bring me happiness but I’m struggling.