For some reason, I got really nauseous yesterday and I woke up in the early morning and threw up a few times. Ugh. Being sick/feeling ill makes me even more depressed because it exacerbates the feeling of being trapped, useless, purposeless, sad. I am unbelievably depressed right now. My dad asked me if I was stressed about something and what because he noticed that I’ve had some strange symptoms (especially lately), and I didn’t say anything. I’m so fucking sick of this. I wanted to tell him. I want to give up and stop trying to live normally when I am breaking inside. I wanted to tell him that I need help but I couldn’t. I guess I’ll live the rest of my life trapped, alone, misunderstood, unseen, depressed, suicidal, unworthy, ALONE ALONE ALONE. I hate my life so fucking much.
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Why couldn’t you tell him? You’re not entirely unseen if he can notice something’s out of the norm, and maybe that could lead to getting some type of assistance to dealing with everything. Obviously don’t lead with the SP aspect, but if when he asked (and the fact he asked i think is a good sign) he wasn’t judgemental about it, it might not hurt to open up, even if just vaguely at first to test the waters.
I think most people pretend at least a little to be alright when they aren’t. That’s become normal for some reason.
I am incapable of sharing anything about myself with anybody else. Seriously. I lie about the music I like, the movies I like, the books I like, my depression, anxiety, misophonia, etc because I guess I’m scared of being rejected or judged. Ever since I was little, if I had to tell my dad something personal, I had to write it on a note and leave it for him because I can’t face him or anyone else. I’m my own prison cell.
Good luck. Maybe just try? I know thats stupid but its possible isnt it. Being alone is terrible. Thats me. Alone. I hope you get save from that prison.