scared

the funny thing is,

im scared to live, but scared to die

i myself, am not fearful for my life, i couldnt care less if i died. but the only people i worry about are my family. i am fairly close to everyone, not that i can talk to them about things like this but i am. and i cant ignore the fact that my being dead will hurt them. sometimes i dont care, sometimes, its the only thing that keeps me alive. itd be strange to see how my brothers would react. my big brother, hes strong. smart, we can talk about a lot, not things like this of course. but i cant help but wonder if he’ll cry, or if he’ll stay strong for my mother. the little one, i have no clue. i feel like he’ll be silent. he wont talk to anyone.. i dont know. my parents, my mom will be a mess. she wont stop crying for days, maybe even weeks. my dad.. i dont even know what he’ll do. im the only girl. stone cold silence maybe? a vow to always be easier on his two sons that are left? maybe he’ll become a drunk, maybe he won’t get up in the morning. maybe he’ll be sad and move on. maybe he’ll regret things, maybe he won’t. maybe he’ll break down, completely sobbing, but maybe not. maybe i actually dont know my family all that well. or maybe i just dont know how theyd react if i were dead. now you, you that will never see this, that will never know how important you are to me, i have no idea how you’ll react. im trying to remember that you still care about me, but i cant. i feel worthless,ugly, like fucking garbage, during every waking hour of my day. but you will never know that. you will never know how badly you broke my heart. you will never know how many nights i cried myself to sleep for not being good enough for you, for never being good enough for anyone. you were the only one whos opinion mattered. and you showed me, jut like everyone else has, how much of a piece of worthless, good for nothing, piece of shit i really am. so yeah, thanks.

i keep trying to imagine my life past 25, but i just cant see it. my mind goes blank. i dont know if ill live past that point.

i could never tell anyone about that. theyd cry, theyd tell on me, send me to an insane asylum

or, just like another girl did, tell me that i dont deserve to feel the way i do

tell me i dont deserve to have friends, i dont deserve my bestfriend, or anyone, and that im just an attention seeker

the only person who got me through that was my bestfriend..

shes gone now, left me like everyone else.

no friends, no significant other, a family that i cant talk to, that ive thrown a wall up against.

one might wonder whats even point of living if everything seems to be plummeting down around them.

i dont have the answer to that question.