What Are You?

I wonder how many of us are lost causes? I wonder how many of us won’t ever see anything other than this cycle of “recovery” and “relapse?” I’m not one to preach about things like predestination, but I couldn’t and can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, I’m dragging this thing out a lot longer than it needs to be. Putting myself in obviously catastrophic situations seems almost to be part of my design; I ruin things for myself because it feels weird when everything’s going right. Honestly I should have killed myself years ago. I should have done it the second I realized I was stuck in this stupid cycle. I tricked myself into thinking that maybe I can work through the disaster I caused each time, and I’ve been successful in doing so. The problem is I always emerge in worse shape than I entered. But it doesn’t matter, because I convinced myself that “I survived,” as if that’s worth fucking anything. And then the cycle continues.