i’m afraid of everything lately
i feel scared all the time
scared of falling apart, of breaking down in front of people that don’t know me like that
but i feel the need to fall apart too,
it drags me down, wears my bones and i get tired, tired, tired
i’m just so exhausted and whenever i say this,
no one seems to understand that i meant being tired of life
of everything.
i am so tired.
i feel so weak too, like i can collapse any given moment
and i feel it all the time
everyone keeps yelling at me
screaming about my grades, about my attitude, about my friends, about my habits
and whenever my lungs burn from the heavy smoke i inhale, the voices fade to a whisper in the back of my mind
and whenever my throat stings because of the alcohol, it seems to numb the pain
i feel like i can live again, but i keep slowly killing myself instead.
2 comments
Guess cigarettes are medicine, when you’re depressed. I miss smoking. It helps get rid of the anger, and it’s so relaxing especially on a rainy day. I could smoke until my teeth rots out. The best part is that they shorten your life span. Give me that carbon monoxide.
Humans can never be satisfied with you, only when you on the top of the food chain do they kiss your ass. Give up on them, and focus on your own happiness. Grades, don’t get you anywhere in life. I graduated with a 3.6 in high school, and guess what? I still live mom and dad, so being bitched at for grades is stupid. They don’t like your attitude, well how they blame you? You being bitched at all the time. I would have a bad attitude, if I faced that.
smoking has helped me a lot indeed, considering the stress i’ve been put through. i don’t need my parents on top of that. it doesn’t help that they don’t have the best relationship with each other either, but i seem to have gotten used to it by now.
my friends are worried about my drinking habits too, but they seem to understand it in a way. i have only two close friends who know i really would like to kill myself. and i consider myself lucky i even have friends at all, though some people still do not accept the idea of me being depressed when i have so many friends and apparently a ‘good home situation’ when in fact i don’t.
anyway, thanks for reminding me i should focus on my own happiness and my own life for once, because my best friend told me the exact same thing today and i realize it’s something important to remember.