i’m trying to back up and figure out how i ended up where i am right now
all i can say to anyone is that i don’t know what i did to be in this situation
i’m scared, so scared. i just wanted to be left alone. i know i made a lot of mistakes. i know i caused trouble. i know. but i thought everything was going well for the last few months.
i’m finally back in effective therapy. i’m finally on track academically. i’m finally recognizing what is right for me. realizing where many of my issues came from. realizing that my ex had been abusive towards me. while we were dating he was sexually abusive, and since we’ve broken up he has just been manipulative. he is an alcoholic. maybe it’s not his fault. but it’s scary, and i’m so scared. i’m scared. i didn’t want any trouble. i just wanted to quietly cut him out of my life so we could each carry on
but he didn’t want that
i don’t know how i got here. but people are mad at me. people are calling me crazy. i don’t care what they say about me, i just want to be left alone. sometimes i believe that i’m crazy and i’m lying and making this up. i am so incredibly fortunate to have a handful of amazing, supportive friends who remind me of who i am and that i’m not a bad person, i’m just someone who was already sexually traumatized and vulnerable before he came into my life.
he’s not all bad, our relationship had many good parts, but then behind closed doors there were two years of coercion and guilt and shame and substance abuse that was not normal. it was not O.K. it could have been a lot worse. a lot of you have been through a lot worse. but it still was wrong. it’s not my fault. i didn’t want to be treated like that. no one wants that. i just want to be okay.
i just want to be able to sit down and study for my exams and do my work and walk into my apartment without being terrified that he’ll be there. it’s not our fault that our lives cannot be separate. our mutual friends are our roommates and best friends and classmates and it is nearly impossible for me to avoid him. even though i sliced out a large chunk of my social and professional life these last few months attempting to. he wouldn’t let me
when i stopped messaging him he found me anyway. i was scared and shaking and just wanted him to go away
i don’t know why he just won’t leave me alone
i don’t know what else i’m trying to say here. i could go on forever. but for now i just wish i could feel safe and relax somewhere. i’m so tempted to buy the cheapest plane ticket i can find and go somewhere, go anywhere. i want it to take me away. i feel like i can’t exist here anymore. they won’t leave me alone.