I hate you for what we did.

I hate you so much for what we did. I hate her for being out of town. I hate myself for not stopping it when my brain was screaming at me that this was a mistake. We were just suppose to be friends. We were just suppose to be there for each other when shit got hard. We were okay before it happened. We could hold hands without their being anymore meaning to it than support. But we can’t go back. We can’t change what happened. I have to lie to everyone about where I was when spent the night at your apartment. You have to lie to her so our mistake doesn’t hurt her. I hate that we were fine before it happened. That you could hug me without other thoughts. I couldn’t sleep that night next to you. You didn’t touch me after it. I needed to know that it was going to be okay. I needed to know that you didn’t just use me. That I wasn’t just something to be used. My skin lit up when you first touched me that way. I even told you before it happened that I didn’t want to screw up you and her. But I didn’t even think how it could affect us. How it could affect me. I was only worried about you. I was only worried about you but now I’m fucked up. I’m fucked up and it’s all your fault. Because you’re not mine and I can’t get you out of my head. You belong to her heart and hers to yours. I was just there when we were both broken that one day. We were there for each other and we made a mistake. We both know it was a mistake. But you told me you didn’t regret it. I was your first mistake in 2 years and you don’t regret it. I don’t regret it either. But I both wish we did regret it. If we both regretted it maybe I wouldn’t be so lost about you. I need to forget that night. But it’s hard. It’s so hard. It’s been a month but I still remember every detail of that night. Every wrong turn we made that led it where it went. I can’t forget that mistake. I don’t think I ever will.