Hello.
First I want to apologize for my English, it is not my native language.
It is already one year that I am asking to god every day to return me back in time (two years would be enough). I made a lot of mistakes in my life but its two years since I began making major mistakes.
I am very weak person very very weak and all of my problems I have now is only my fault.
I was happy, open minded and social person, with lot of perspectives and possibilities, with wonderful family and amazing friends. Now I have none of them except of family they still trying not to lose me.
I mentioned that I had amazing friends, we were one team, spent all time together, did everything together and it was really nice. Then I did a huge mistake, I started relationship with one of my friend’s crush, I knew he loved her but I still did it. no one expected this from me, they said nothing about it but I felt they were disappointed. I had not courage to apologize to my friend, I just tried to avoid him that was my second big mistake, I still had relationships with my friends but I felt guilty and ashamed while hanging out with them and time to time I started to avoiding them too, all the time I was telling them some fake reasons that I had no time I was busy or something like this to avoid them and I lost them like this.
In one year I lost all of my friends not because they wanted it they tried a lot they called me and invited me again and again but I decided that I was guilty, ashamed and deserved to be alone.
Then me and my gf decided to get married, I invited my friends but non of them wanted to come maybe because they were very angry on me. So I had my wedding without my friends.
Here comes new set of my problems, I was confused, I had to be happy because I was just married but I was not as much as I had to be. So I started doing strange and wrong things.
I started doing things that was not in my pocket, I started to take loans, credit cards really lot of them and I didn’t want to think about future how I would deal with it in future and I did all of this without my wife knowing it. Soon I became nervous and aggressive, stopped smiling, stopped communicating, only thing I was doing was thinking thinking and thinking.
Then started phone calls from credit officers in every 30 minutes and it was becoming more and more difficult to hide this from my wife and when she knew about it we had very serious conflict we almost broke up. She is telling me that I destroyed all her future plans and instead of make some savings and think about future I am in a huge debt.
I lost friends, disappointed my family and my wife, I have not heard anything warm from her already 3 months, I hear only complains, I have a mini heart attacks all the time my phone rings because it is another credit officer who wants to know why I am so late to pay my debts and inform me what will happen if I will not pay soon. I am tired of being nervous, the most hard time is night when you have a lot of time to think, when your fantasy is doing its best to imagine all the terrible things. Sometimes I think that everything is over and I will never be happy again, sometimes I think that easiest way Is to kill my self but fortunately still can to realize how much pain will it be for others. once tried to get drunk I thought it would be easier to do it but still could not. In morning somehow I feel a bit calm, I go at my job and there I have not time to think about my problems. unfortunately my job is the place where I am more calm than at home. I always work overtime to go home late.
I am afraid of nights, afraid of phone rings, afraid of weekends. I feel tired, I feel bad.
I don’t write it because I want some kind of help from you, or to hear that I am not guilty or did not make anything wrong. I never talked to anyone about my pains and I just wanted to tell my story.
1 comment
I am sorry to hear your story. Unfortunate how one wrong decision can destabilise entire life.