How does one start a letter of this sort? do i just say my goodbyes? Do i explain why i have decided to do this thing? My regrets? my hopes? i honestly don’t know. should i have told anyone? wouldn’t that have defeated the purpose though?
Well its my letter so i guess there are no rules, i can decide what goes on this letter and what does not. So… Suicide.. plain and simple.. people say its the easy way out .. that people who commit suicide are weak, stupid, doing it for attention? like really? and what ever else they decide to call it, but the people who criticize it just like all other things are people who have not experimented the feelings and thoughts of suicide. Think about it. There are people so damn fucking sad and lonely that they feel that the only way that they will not feel that way is by dying, by killing themselves. How fucked up is that. and yet people act as if that made one insane.. so does it? i mean maybe because i kind of feel the way. insane, plus a whole bunch of other fucked up emotions i have no idea how to control.
Enough of that intro.. basic things right? well i guess the next part of this fucked up letter is about me..the “why” i am doing this. why i have decided to do this fucked up thing. yeah.. suicide.. i have done the unimaginable act of killing myself. Wow give me a round of applause right?? you might think why.. i mean what problems did she have? but let me tell you a little about my self before you start your rumors and criticize me while im dead. just so you know. i don’t know if this is relevant or not but when i was around six or seven i would always feel like something was missing like in my stomach there was a hole. and it was really weird. fast forward to eighth grade. its when i started feeling really lonely. i would be at home alone i would feel lonely.. like really lonely. school, home and that was it. it was some sort of torture i didn’t know existed. but unfortunately that feeling was going to become a part of me, a true part of my everyday life.. fast forward a couple months and it went from 0 to 100 i don’t know what became of me but i started to feel that depression i didn’t know was existing in me. I mean im gonna describe my depression and i need people to read this part carefully. Like really carefully because its probably the most important because i know im not the only one who felt like this, even though at that time it felt as if i was.
So if you or i mean anyone would have asked me.. hey for you.. what does it mean to be depressed? and from my own experience this is what i would have told you…
My depression is a feeling of loneliness of not feeling good enough, every day, every single day of my life. i don’t feel happy and i don’t know why, i don’t want to feel like this i never asked to be like this i want to smile and mean it. not just to fake it just so i don’t disturb others. i could be surrounded by all of my friends all of the people who care about me but it does not fill my loneliness, because i know that they really don’t care about me, everyone only cares for themselves they only want the best for themselves and for their nuclear family, and their loved ones. but im here and my family thousands of miles away and all i have are the people who are worried about their own lives. but the thing is when i was with my family i felt the same. i felt lonely. i don’t know how to control those feelings and i honesty cant do this for the rest of my life. i mean imagine that feeling when you just want to cry and cry and you know that if you start to cry you wont be able to stop you will have no control over yourself, well thats how i feel every single day of my life, and I’ve been feeling like this for years now. I’ve been to therapy and its not better. so you know i ask myself .. will this feeling ever go away?, will i ever be happy? will i ever be able to not feel so shitty? and i kind of all ready know the answer i mean its been like this for awhile. so im pretty sure this feeling will never go away.. truly happy?.. probably not.. and pretty sure i will always feel shitty. so i mean every day im thinking whats the point.. i mean why live a life of sadness. who wants that? but then i start to think.. can i really live without my depression? i mean im so used to it. its hard to explain i mean its part of me. its how i would describe myself. like hi im… and i have chronic and severe depression. and then theres that feeling of deception. how do i describe it. i mean everything in your life is fucked up. and then you’re like ok im done i cant anymore but then its like life saids no hold on ..give me one more chance, so you give life one more chance and then its seems good for a while like yes .. maybe life is right, but then.. life hits you with a block of cement and you fall to the ground and you feel like you cant breathe and you think how in the fucking world am i suppose to get up, im not that strong. i was born a weak human being and these things keep happening its like life is laughing at you trying to see how much torture you can resist. so after a while you just completely give up on life no more second chances or third because whats the point. its not fair on you. you just become weaker. so the feelings and thoughts are: you’re worthless.life is fucked up so whats the point. you probably are never going to get better. pointless to society and anyone you know. and there are so many thoughts in your mind you don’t know how to control them like how can it be possible to feel this sort of pain at this age like how and why. i never asked for this i never wanted to feel like dying but i do. i cant live my life feeling like i want to die. is that how someone is suppose to think? i mean i literally get these thoughts in my head every single day of my life i cant stop thinking of how i can end my life because i don’t want to keep suffering i don’t want to keep crying and cutting and wishing my end i just want it to happen so you know you get to this point where you have to do it because you cant seriously you cant keep living like this anymore so god help me. because i cant anymore i honestly cant so just think. i want to die i don’t want to live anymore so im asking life just kill me kill me now because i cant im weak and i cant live life anymore i honestly i cant so please im begging begging life to just end mine because i cant . and its not fair to feel this way because you look at everyone around and everyone looks so freaking happy. like they don’t have to suffer the way you do its not fair. im not a bad person. i really try.. im opened minded. i really really try and its not fair my life has become a living nightmare its not fair at all. its not fair to feel like this. i mean do i really deserve to feel like this? do i really deserve to cry every night and to have the thoughts im having. i mean do i really. i don’t criticize i try to be the best friend anyone can have i try really hard to be a good person but this feeling is taking over and i cant anymore i cant keep going and its not fair its not fair that me an 18 year old girl want to end her life because she feels that she’s worthless and doesn’t deserve to live and thinks live? why if you’re just going to suffer. so life just take me just take me now because i don’t want to cry anymore. and just another thing to add its that you know you’re no ones first choice and you’re lucky if you are someones second choice at least. and its heart breaking because you have those people that come first always and you know you aunt for them. its just another disappointment in life its just another thing to add. and it all starts to add up and then you just ask yourself what possibly more can i ask can i have to take if im just going to fall on the ground and every time its getting harder to get back up. i mean i don’t know.
I’ve got to ask.. am i being selfish for doing this?.. escaping and leaving others who suffer like me to keep suffering on the lonely planet. WHY WAS I BORN AND DESTINED TO FEEL LIKE THIS.
3 comments
I know what that feels like. Personally I’ve had major problems with loneliness. Not because I’m never around people, but because it never feels they’re around me I guess.. If that makes sense. I’m kind of just there.. And no one really knows me. I don’t have any friends. The last time I hung out with one was like 4 years ago..
Email me if you’re feeling lonely okay? devinbelver@yahoo.com
And please dont leave soon.. Don’t leave ever..
No, it isn’t selfish, because it’s your life and your choice. However, it is a fact that it will have aftereffects, no matter how “insignificant” you think your life is.
You can definitely not be certain that you were “born and destined to feel like this”, especially considering your age. Also, depression isn’t a part of your identity, it isn’t who you are, it’s shit that’s covering your identity. I think that’s what so dangerous of being depressed during one’s teenage years. You’re trying to find out who you are during that period of your life, and then latch onto the most prominent and easiest thing, the depression. However, the thing is, most people find out who they are only far later in their life, it differs to person to person. So, don’t be too hasty to accept your depression as a part of you.
You most likely feel lonely around everyone because you feel like they don’t understand what you’re going through. You feel like you simply can’t connect with them. However, I assure you that there are people out there that you will be able to connect with. Also, yes, most people are selfish to some degree. However, there are exceptions. Double also, you need to keep in mind that for most people to care, you need to reciprocate that care and all that it entails. Most of the time, we can’t just sit and expect people to jump to our aid and care for us without something in return, and without us opening up. O and with something in return I don’t mean material things, I mean trust, loyalty, care, our time.
Lastly, you’re not worthless, you’re life isn’t worthless. Do you have an idea of what you want to do? Do you have a goal in life? I’m asking this because I know that depression often makes a person not think about these things, and instead one is only focused on death and a way out. Maybe you should first try to reach a “life goal”, before considering an early exit.
Anyway, feel free to disregard all of this. I’m simply providing my input and opinion. I hope you find relief in whatever you choose.
I think i understand, i began thinking about suicide around 13. i had few friends…and wanted more so badly. i had an intense fear of being alone..and felt lonely often. i did not like to use the mirrors in the bathrooms at school..i disliked myself and life so much. i was often teased and took it to heart. anyway not exactly what you described…know that you are not alone in that feeling. i want to encourage you to seek help…say what you’re feeling…i know you said you went to a therapist…dont give up…go to another and another..,now while you are young,,,things ..your problems can be fixed . You just need to find help…someone to help you see your worth. you have a talent or gift hidden im sure. oh how i wish id asked for help then…or even in college …someone to tell how i REAllY was feeling…no fake smiles. I let embarrassment keep me from getting help at 18…i tried to fix my issues myself. it will be ok. just be honest with a helpful therapist as honest as you are here. its not too late for you. you can be happy. you can if you get some help. you may have to try 1-2 other therapist..and maybe get some help from a doctor as well..sometimes depression is just a chemical imbalance..thats why your therapy alone may not work. dont wait like i did to get help..life gets more challenging as you go alone. the two things you need to tackle it is confidence in yourself and trust in yourself and others. from your post i see maybe those things are lacking. dont give up. you can have a happy life. signed…if i knew then what i know now.