Ive never been a cutter. Last night I took my knife and ran it over the top of my bicep a few times. Nothing really deep just about 10 small lines in a row and hard enough so each one bleed and in a spot where no one could see. I needed something to take my mind off of the internal pain that I feel. As I sat there and watched the blood run down my arm it kept me in the moment. The pain kept my mind off of everything else and for a few minutes the only thing I could think of was the pain…
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I know what you mean by watching the blood kept you in the moment…I’m sorry.
I do this too but it’s very addictive.
I can see why. I’m sitting at my desk right now feeling the knife in my pocket and wondering if I can take it out and cut just a little deeper. Just something to get me thru the morning. I’m starting to lose myself in my head and I need something to bring me back down to earth…
After that you’ll have to face the results, I mean the cuts, and realise that you need to hide them somehow. Well unless it doesn’t bother you that others can see them…
I’m not judging, I’m going through the same. Well, it’s never the same…
I cut less and usually in places where I can hide it.
The worst is the fact that we do this to ourselves, we kind of disconnect from ourselves by this. But I know sometimes it feels the only thing you want to do.
Yup. The same but not the same. All my cuts are able to be hidden by my sleeve. If I went home and shot myself people would be surprised. I’m very good at hiding everything and I’m glad I ran into this site last night. I feel that it saved me at least for 24 hours. Then tonight I’ll promise myself another 24 hours and we will see where it goes. I’m just tried. Not physically but mentally and it’s so much worst.
It’s good to give yourself time. Even if you don’t do much, your mood and the way you see things will change. There will still be beauty and happy moments in your life.
I know it’s impossible to feel this now.
That’s the hard part. There is so much good and happiness out there and I want it. But the bad is out weighing the good right now. That’s what scares me.