I seriously wonder how I can make it another two and a half months here. Today it feels like a new ulcer ripped open in my stomach. She went to a friend’s wedding (must be nice), leaving me here with the puppy all day, and it’s driving me fucking insane. I can’t color or draw because it keeps jumping on me and would mess it up, can’t read because it keeps whining and being so distracting I can’t focus… so basically any distracting and soothing activities are impossible. Let alone trying to be productive, like starting to go through my stuff to prepare for the move. That was the point of getting the puppy, to prevent me from being able to recover and get out of here.
I can feel my brain shutting down because it just can’t handle reality right now. My life feels like I’m trapped in a little spike-lined cage, being tortured. But I’m supposed to be okay with it because in a few months it will be reduced.
Jesus. I just had to step away from writing this because the fucking puppy was getting into the cat’s litter box. It feels like my stomach is being ripped to shreds. The longer this stress goes on, the less likely my GI system will ever recover. But hey, it’s “just temporary”! I’m so fucking sick of hearing that.
3 comments
It’s as temporary as YOU DECIDE to allow it to be. U have the power + complete control to decide what will and will not make you miserable. No “SHE” or He can ever control your brain, unless you allow it to. Btw, it sounds like your negative feelings may be from a chemical imbalance (not life) and how you perceive things…Unless of course your inner spirit has been so compromised, broken or destroyed that you lost any ability to feel inner joy+peace, which is present even when you have huge problems and life sucks really bad. I hope you find whatever it is you need to feel better about life. And even if a he or she did something so horrific to you, they never have the right or power to steal and destroy your joy in life, unless U permit them too – Which happens too often to those who forget they MUST protect their spirit (defend it from attacks), every minute of every day, for their entire life. For those who realized that after their spirit is gone (destroyed) I have no advice to give at this time, because I’ve tried to get mine back (2 years now) and sadly I don’t think it’s something (joyful spirit), that ever can be resurrected- Like our bodies, once it’s dead, it’s dead, and although you might feel happiness now and then, it never can be recovered. To all those being beat up by life, please PROTECT your spirit – I only wish I had realized that during the (many) times mine was under attack, because now, simply it’s too late. And all the hopeful/inspirational thoughts/actions both I or others may say or think (although nice, and temporarily soothing), my inner joy/peace and instinctual love of life (which I believe G-D blesses all living things with) IS GONE (most likely forever). Hope this helps someone, because sadly for me, it’s likely too late. Yes, while I’m stuck in this horrible world (how people feel when their spirit is attacked or gone), I likely will have a few happy moments from tangible things (a home, money, a kind action from someone), but I, and what matters most (my inner spirit) is dead, and I’ve joined the masses of lost + broken people, who only feel joy when they think about the possibility their spirit might return (for me it’s heaven) when their body too finally dies. Waiting and hoping for death of our bodies, certainly is the most torturous feeling anybody, could ever have…
Please excuse typos, such as I meant to write, “No, “SHE” or He can Never control your brain, and inner joy/spirit, unless you allow them to…”- Etc…
No. It is situational. When I was in another state, with an aunt who is very laid-back, it took awhile but my real self started to come back. Confidence, contentment, joy, hope… I had thought they were dead but they weren’t. But then I came back to this toxic place, with nothing positive to keep that flickering flame alive, and it was snuffed within two days. People who act like we’re supposed to just be happy no matter what, and never be affected by anything, are fucking insane, excuse my language. They have obviously never been through things like this. My entire life, she’s beat me down. I can’t even imagine how strong and wonderful I’d be if my wings hadn’t been clipped from birth. If I’d been born to a different family. She’s all I have – no friends, no positive family, no job, no school, no NOTHING to make me feel okay… And it’s not stuff I can just ignore. She picks fights with me, and I LIVE here, and I don’t work or go to school so I’m always here. I’m in a tiny dark room with one north-facing window (I’m in the northern hemisphere so that means very little light comes in it), with my back to it… I already can’t absorb vitamin d and other nutrients, and since this has been a lifelong thing to varying degrees, I’m sure my chemical balance IS off, but… when I’m in a better environment, I DO do better. So yes, it is situational. And no, I don’t decide whether her crazy head games bother me or not. They do, the end. I don’t have a choice about that. Sorry. I’m glad if you have the ability to control your emotions completely. Maybe normal people do, who knows. I know I sure don’t, and sorry if any of this sounds rude, I’m just kind of sick of people implying it’s my fault because I “let” her do it. It’s not just emotions. It’s stuff that has real consequences. Making appointments for me… doing things that require my money so I will have that much less to get out of here… sabotaging me… asking my doctors for information (and they stupidly give it to her despite confidentiality laws)… there’s a lot she does that’s not just about my feelings and I have ZERO control over. But no, I also don’t have control over my feelings. Maybe I’m a weak pathetic person for that, oh freaking well, that’s how it is. When I am in a better place, I do. I can self-soothe and regulate my emotions and tolerate distress… but when she has me THIS beat down? No. I’m a sniveling writhing filthy animal with zero control over myself. That’s what fucking with someone’s mind will do to them. Psychological torture is used for a reason, because it’s effective, people DO break, they DON’T have complete control. I get you’re trying to help though and I appreciate that… sorry again if it seems rude, just trying to explain and be totally honest.