I feel like the last few months I’ve just been grasping for a reason to live. First it was moving to another city, sex, drugs, alcohol, art, buying things, making new friends, getting work and so on and so on.
Now I’m on medical and doing therapy 3x week while i contemplate my life / deal with my mental health.
Im just wondering what the actual fuck i amdoing here. I feel like life is simple and its true. Make money, survive, retire and die. Sure in between there is the have fun, meet people, have sex , have relationships, do cool thing etc , but what if you’ve done it all at 26 ?
Sure i haven’t ran my own business and owned my own place or been fully financially stable for more then a year+. I haven’t owned the rarest of cars or fucked the most hottest of women, but I’ve done all the above is similar or parallel fashion. I have lived in nice places, worked various jobs, made little to no money to more money then i thought. Ive met tons of people, fucked tons of women and what … nothing. Im absolutely empty inside.
Im not bored of my life I’m bored of living. I can’t find one thing i want to do with my time besides accidentally overdosing an that won’t happen because I’ve been clean for 2 years and drinking barely gives me any joy. Sex doesn’t either, friends don’t mean shit to me and relationships, well i rather not, because I’m just not healthy / stable and do not want to bring someone into the hell hole I’m in ( especially if i do end up killing myself, that would not be fair to anyone )
I just don’t know what to do these days. I have hopes / dreams and aspirations. i want to become the greatest artist / designer of this world / write my story , but I’m only doing that so i can build my dream house where ill spend the last days and nights getting fucked to a whole other dimension and finally ceasing to exist.
This world just seems, i don’t know, so fucking stupid ?
Then there are the outcast of society who are stuck in a glass box next to the others stuck in a glass box, yelling at each other as they are all stuck in a bigger glass box thats looking in the direction of the world and all the inhabitants that seem to like life.
Maybe I’m just a self deprecating unappreciative self loathing person who thinks he can do it better then others, without realizing he’s totally incompetent so he just complains. Or maybe I’m just to afraid to succeed. Or I’m to afraid to fail. Or I’m bitching about shit that doesn’t matter, because it takes my mind off the fact that i hate life and while its fun to *****, its just distracting me from the real question.
Do i want to live on this planet still ? and if i don’t want to why do i feel i need to ? and if i need to and or want to , why the fuck would i when everything is blah , dull , nonsensical and just nonexistent in the realms of adventure and excitement.
I really do want to live. I think its obvious by the way i write , that I’m searching for some meaning or something to hold on to so i can say I’m here, I’m ready , lets do it ! But what do you do when you’ve seen and done it all. Or when you done enough and your journey is now complete. Some will say that I’m only 26, how could I’ve done it all ? how could you’ve experienced it all ? you’re only 26 !
well I’ve seen hell, lived in hell and then saw heaven, only to realize the grass is only greener on the other side if you’re constantly watering it.
I see humans as what they are. Fucking animals, warm blooded ready to kill or be killed animals, running a muck. And i, well i am apart of it too. I don’t think for a bloody second I’m better then anyone else, but i bet i can do it better then you ! obviously in areas that I’m wondering if their importance in the world is one of importance or just mere distractions before the world burns and we party.
I mean fuck. the saying is. If you had all the money in the world. All the assets you could ever imagine. You could do anything you wanted, because you financially were able to. what would you do ?
Me: Get high, get inebriated, possibly fuck some escorts and or non escorts ( although, that kind of bores me these days ) then id make some music, watch some tv, watch some skateboard videos, jerk off and then take enough to finally overdose.
So to recap. If money was not a critical factor to my life, meaning i could do anything i wanted because well i could afford to do so, what would i do.
Drugs, alcohol, maybe sex and die.
what are things i should be doing :
Getting a job to save money to create a business that sells art/fashion, writing my book, flipping one of a kind houses and then building enough of a savings account through business ventures / investments that i could retire inside of a 2500-5000 square foot custom built house that has one room fully loaded to the roof of drugs and alcohol.
In other words, what i want is the inventible to what will happen if i do what i should.
And the outcome of both is death, because i don’t want to be on this earth with these people, but deep down i wish this wasn’t so, but deep down i know it is and because i am a human, which is nothing more then a instinctual surviving machine, I’m not able to follow through with such actions as they go against my programming.
What if the final step of evolution is not furthering the human race, but killing it off, because the further we go the more boring it becomes or better said, the more pointless it is. I mean shit, all we do is populate to create and then destroy then rinse lather and repeat. At least before, we would populate in order to keep us going, because we didn’t stay alive long enough, but now we can live much longer and practically do what ever the fuck we want. Its as if society and technology progressed way past the point of our need to be here, which is why AI is the only real next step ( I’m not sure that would ever really happen , but i can at least understand why its happening, not so much that i agree or disagree, but i can see why its the next stage)
The fact is i see it like this. Humans don’t even needs humans, but we say we do, but truth is we don’t. Especially if you live in a fist world country. Plus, humans are not this moral, ethical creature who only loves and wants good. We are only that way, because we live in a world that affords this, but if that world was taken away, we would go back into the vile creatures we are deep down. With that said, i suppose its a miracle we don’t go killing each other, mainly because we have things to look forward too. — incomplete sentence, completed.
But what if you have nothing to look forward to ? what if you don’t want to hurt others, because thats wrong, but you don’t want to help others, because its not your responsibility ( i believe in everyone + their tribe ( family and friends ) to themselves VS everyone else; then what do you do ?
i wish id have a heart attack in my sleep.
Im at the point in my life where i never thought id make it this far, so everything else is a bonus, but i could care less if the bonus came to fruition or if it never appeared. Id be happy ,content and perfectly happy with death being now, but i don’t want that, mainly because the main reasons of why suicide is not good. I understand suicide very well, but id never in a million years tell someone it was okay to do. i would want them to find a way, knowing I’m being a hypocrite, because i want to kill myself too. But i could never say yes to someone doing it , its not my right and even though i understand it i just can’t agree with it, because i don’t want others to hurt themselves / kill themselves, but youre damn fucking right, that i don’t believe that in terms of how i feel about myself.
what to do , what to do, when this thing called life is a stinky fucking shoe
2 comments
I have been having similar thoughts too, and for the past year I have been trying to gain as much knowledge as I can to cope with life. This beautiful, chaotic experience.
I like zooming out, taking notice of the world I live on, earth, then thinking about the millions of stars that sparkle in the vast void. The galaxy we spin in, the billions of other galaxies that float around in this universe. I zoom back in and see how comedic all our problems are.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iy7NzjCmUf0&t=2s
This video gives you a little perceptive…
This can humble us, but can also make us feel insignificant as hell.
But are we really that insignificant as humans? Just some thing that evolved by accident? That is such a mechanical view of the world. When we begin to realize how in harmony we are with the world around us, then things start making more sense. Notice your breath, you don’t usually consciously breath in and out until attention is averted to it, your body just flows along with everything around it. Neil Degrasse Tyson says the following quote that I feel hits home with this idea of cosmic unity.
“The most astounding fact is the knowledge that the atoms that comprise life on Earth, the atoms that make up the human body, are traceable to the crucibles that cooked light elements into heavy elements in their core under extreme temperatures and pressures.
These stars, the high mass ones among them, went unstable in their later years. They collapsed and then exploded, scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy. Guts made of carbon, ********, oxygen and all the fundamental ingredients of life itself.
These ingredients become part of gas clouds that condense, collapse, form the next generation of solar systems, stars with orbiting planets. And those planets now have the ingredients for life itself.
So that when I look up at the night sky and I know that yes, we are part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts is that the universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up—many people feel small because they’re small and the universe is big—but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars. There’s a level of connectivity.
That’s really what you want in life, you want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant, you want to feel like you’re a participant in the goings-on of activities and events around you. That’s precisely what we are, just by being alive.”
We are apart of this universe, not a mistake.
Some recommendations, to get ur mind to see reality differently
http://www.nyu.edu/classes/keefer/hell/camus.html … The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus
http://highexistence.com/images/view/the-egg-by-andy-weir/ …The Egg by Andy Weir
If you like music, you should check out Logic’s new album Everybody.
Sooo as the universe, God, Brahman, great energy, or whatever you would like to call it, we go out on the craziest adventures, get sucked into these roles, just cause… This poem helps explain why
“Fifteen billion years ago, Before the beginning, In the Studio of Eternity, There was a blank canvas, Nothingness,
Pregnant with the possibility of Everything.
Then – A MIRACLE !
Our Collective Being, The Divine Artist – the Creator God,
Aching to express, to exist, Exploded itself/ourself into a cascade of light selves. A cosmic orgasm, Big-banged us into creation,
Perfect in ratios, rhythms, and forms.
The Universe is a storm of light emerging, Ever birthing, ever dying
Plasma selves, atom selves, molecular selves, cell selves, Conscious lumps of DNA. Ascending selves scaling evolving chains of Being. Souls inside brightening,
Hardening into botanical and biological bodies.
Plant self, animal self,
Myself, yourself, ourselves,
Family selves, city self, nation self,
An earth full of eyes sees everything on earth
And we are that!
Planet self, star self, galactic self,Self as galactic cluster,
Self as entire web of Cosmos
With amnesia.Our current artistic dilemma is to wake up
To the truth that we are the One Godself,
Creating the Universe – Every day”
“The One”, by Alex Grey
Oriental philosophies have really helped shape my view of life…
But even though, I still get down over my life, because I am experiencing these negative moments in this body and I can’t change em’. Death stopped being something bad for me. It’s something that will happen to everyone and everything in time, so it’s been an aid actually. In part, enabling me to try to make the most of my days, but then another part of me stops and the pointlessness of this hits me. When you are flying high on a plane and look down, you can see hundreds of houses lined up, many little specks of cars going about, all these people who are living “meaningful” lives like you but you have no idea who they are. After we die, the world will go on, and most likely forgot about us. We are alive, in the thousands of memory clusters in each others brains but when those people with those memories die too, then our existence is wiped away…
This thought can sadden me… Especially when I have to deal with a sucky life, I think, why keep going if its just not worth it? I feel like assisted suicides should be given as a choice for everyone, i really do. I wouldn’t juggle ways to die in my mind, trying to settle on the least painless one.
Like you, dying in my sleep would be okay with me. It’s peaceful and final. But actively trying to kill myself is something, I think I’ll never have the guts to do. I’m still 16, I have a life i can still craft, so I think that’s whats holding me down. Possibilities.
And the knowledge that I don’t have it That Bad as a human. You don’t see people in third world countries killing themselves in droves, do you? No, that’s cause they were born into that way of life, they get used to it and each gain is happiness to them. They may also latch onto a religion, to bring meaning into their lives, and to make them feel special… The only reason I feel like my life is wretched is because I compare it with other peoples lives, and feel so downgraded when it’s not as good as someone elses.. Ignorance is bliss..
There are many that have had the same thoughts as you, you are not the only one. It’s your choice if you decide to keep going. You can either look at the world in a negative way, or a positive way, its your game. Good Luck!
I get you I’m 19 years old and I know I’m done doing everything in this world perhaps there’s always a freaking wheel on everyone’s life that only keeps rotating ,repeating the same thing over and over again.