Please help me.. i think I was raped a few months ago. I’m not very 100% sure, but I think it’s highly likely. I think I was having a hypomanic episode for just over 3 months (from really late December to March/April), I’m not diagnosed Bipolar but a relative is and they said my symptoms are the same.
While in this hyper episode I occasionally snuck out the house late at night (I’m an adult, but currently live with my parents), and I’d stay out for a few hours. They don’t know about this as I’m typically a very shy person who never leaves the house without someone with me, and I’d be living on between 2-4 hours sleep 90% of the time, so I wouldn’t sleep in during the day.
A few times I’d met people either at shops, or when I was just walking. A lot of the time they couldn’t keep up with my pace, so those meeting were short-lived. Anyway. In April I did my late night sneak out, and I’d gone about 40 minutes away away from my house. I don’t remember where I’d gone, When I go into these manic-like episode my memory messes up and so I hardly remember what I did for those months. I remember going to a park kind of area and there were a few people there drinking. I rememver talking to a couple guys. One of them asked me to go away from the others with him and I vaguely remember folllowing him.This is where my memories get fuzzy and confusing.
I remember being right against a tree and him pulling on my clothes, but I think I hit my head at some point and thats why everything is kind of scattered in my head even more. I can remember him trying to get me on my knees as some point, but I don’t know if anything happened because my memory is horrible after these episodes. Also, is it likely that he’d just got me to do only -that- instead of actually having sex as well/instead of. We weren’t there long. About 5-10 or so minutes. I don’t remember leaving, but I know as I walked home I started getting more and more hyper. By the time I got home my entire body was aching, but I was so manic still that I kind of ignored the pains.
When I got home I kidn of pushed it all back and went crazy for a couple days with making plans to open multiple businesses and being creative and getting ready to book a year-long trip around the world. and then I crashed badly within the space of two days. A couple days later I saw my therapist, and I was just crying the whole time. He didn’t find out what had happened, no One knows what happened. I don’t actually know what happened to me really and that scares me the most.
Since then I’ve been severely depressed and tried to kill myself 3-4 times. I scream at people to get off me if they touch me but my parents think I’m joking around when really I feel like breaking down over it. (Because I used to tell them to get off before, but not yell it so much). I don’t even know if this actually happened either. These episodes screw with my brain and makes me think things have happened when they haven’t. For example I thought I’d gone to Greece for 5 days when really I’d be upstairs the whole time. However I’m almost certain it did happen because of my reactions since.
Like I said no one can touch me and if I’m play fighting with my dad and he gets me on the floor I panic and almost start crying. My therapist has gone away for the rest of the year, so now I have a new one who seems really nice.
Is there any way I would be able to tell my new therapist without my parents ever finding out? I know I’m an adult but could my therapist still call and tell them? I really don’t want them to know because im scared that they wont even believe me because they don’t know I ever went out at night so I don’t know if they’d think I’d actually go. Please help if you can I have my next counselling slot in a couple weeks and I’d really try to bring it up. I’d thought of just printing this out on a word document and handing it over but the idea of sitting. There until ym therapist has finished reading it scares me.
Is there any way I could start off talking about it?? Also would it help to mention how hyper I was, especially after?could this have triggered either the sudden extra manicness or my massive crash?? I’m also terrified of whether it was actually consensual or not. I’m fairly sure I didn’t have hypersexuality during it, and I don’t even know if I would have said yes. I don’t think I would have. I was a virgin(maybe I still am I don’t know) and hadn’t done anything remotely sexual before –I had barely kissed anyone. But at the same time I wasnt thinking straight at all, and I’m scared that this could just be me making it into a big deal when I could’ve consented. Please help –molly
4 comments
I think it would be best if you did mention it at some point because if this is killing you on the inside you need to do something about it. Rape or not you shouldn’t be having those sorts of reactions wither way. Please do tell your therapist.
Hey, I didn’t read this… but just know, being raped once will pretty much open it to whoever wants to rape you will. I was molested the first time in 2014, then molested like 6 more times then raped in 2016 then raped like 9 times after that.
So yeah if it just happens once then it will continue to happen because people are fucking gross..
Hey, I didn’t read this… but just know, being raped once will pretty much open it to whoever wants to rape you will. I was molested the first time in 2014, then molested like 6 more times then raped in 2016 then raped like 9 times after that.
So yeah if it just happens once then it will continue to happen because people are fucking gross..
Dearest Molly,
I’m very very sorry you’re having such a rough time… 🙁
I could only imagine how these episodes you described are affecting your life…
my heart goes to you <3
While, sadly, what you fear might be true,
I think we can not be 100% certain
unless,
if you agree,
certain medical tests could be performed that would
at least
determine virginity
& if there's anything else we should be worrying about
regarding your therapist
I think it's very important that he is informed of what's going on
& by that I mean everything
the episodes, the rush of feelings & thoughts, running away from home, the places you go to, the memory fuzziness
& finally,
yes,
I think you need to inform him about that incident
& about not being sure as to what exactly happened
you don't have to go into details
there's no obligation, what so ever
I just think it will help him understand your condition better [& thus help you more with treatment] if he knows that this event took place & that it's, with all certainty, affecting you & playing a big part in your current reactions & episodes…
It should never be the case that any information you give him is disclosed / told to your parents or family or anyone at all
by nature of his profession
he is obliged not to share any information you give him
especially if you make it clear that you don't want your parents / family / anyone to be informed
& he should not try "make you" do otherwise
but he might try to show you logical reasons as to why letting your parents know about this could help "protect you" better the next coming months… please do consider his point of view & think about it…
in worst worst case scenario
if he is so "unprofessional" so as to inform your parents
& the worst thing you are worried about is that they won't believe you
then you need not worry
because in that case you have nothing to lose
if they don't believe you then it's almost as if they didn't know…
you see what i'm try to say… 🙂
It's okay Molly
I know this will be a very rough period within that, already rough, path
but I'm confident you'll be able to go through it
& I'm here for you if you need any help
just in case
my email is
farahlajeennouraldeen.1@gmail
please know that you are most welcome to contact me at any time <3
& please let me know how things went