Rape??

June 19th, 2017by lonelymolly

Please help me..  i think I was raped a few months ago. I’m not very 100% sure, but I think it’s highly likely. I think I was having a hypomanic episode for just over 3 months (from really late December to March/April), I’m not diagnosed Bipolar but a relative is and they said my symptoms are the same.
While in this hyper episode I occasionally snuck out the house late at night (I’m an adult, but currently live with my parents), and I’d stay out for a few hours. They don’t know about this as I’m typically a very shy person who never leaves the house without someone with me, and I’d be living on between 2-4 hours sleep 90% of the time, so I wouldn’t sleep in during the day.
A few times I’d met people either at shops, or when I was just walking. A lot of the time they couldn’t keep up with my pace, so those meeting were short-lived. Anyway. In April I did my late night sneak out, and I’d gone about 40 minutes away away from my house. I don’t remember where I’d gone, When I go into these manic-like episode my memory messes up and so I hardly remember what I did for those months. I remember going to a park kind of area and there were a few people there drinking. I rememver talking to a couple guys. One of them asked me to go away from the others with him and I vaguely remember folllowing him.This is where my memories get fuzzy and confusing.

I remember being right against a tree and him pulling on my clothes, but I think I hit my head at some point and thats why everything is kind of scattered in my head even more. I can remember him trying to get me on my knees as some point, but I don’t know if anything happened because my memory is horrible after these episodes. Also, is it likely that he’d just got me to do only -that- instead of actually having sex as well/instead of. We weren’t there long. About 5-10 or so minutes. I don’t remember leaving, but I know as I walked home I started getting more and more hyper. By the time I got home my entire body was aching, but I was so manic still that I kind of ignored the pains.
When I got home I kidn of pushed it all back and went crazy for a couple days with making plans to open multiple businesses and being creative and getting ready to book a year-long trip around the world. and then I crashed badly within the space of two days. A couple days later I saw my therapist, and I was just crying the whole time. He didn’t find out what had happened, no One knows what happened. I don’t actually know what happened to me really and that scares me the most.

Since then I’ve been severely depressed and tried to kill myself 3-4 times. I scream at people to get off me if they touch me but my parents think I’m joking around when really I feel like breaking down over it. (Because I used to tell them to get off before, but not yell it so much).  I don’t even know if this actually happened either. These episodes screw with my brain and makes me think things have happened when they haven’t. For example I thought I’d gone to Greece for 5 days when really I’d be upstairs the whole time. However I’m almost certain it did happen because of my reactions since.

Like I said no one can touch me and if I’m play fighting with my dad and he gets me on the floor I panic and almost start crying. My therapist has gone away for the rest of the year, so now I have a new one who seems really nice.
Is there any way I would be able to tell my new therapist without my parents ever finding out? I know I’m an adult but could my therapist still call and tell them? I really don’t want them to know because im scared that they wont even believe me because they don’t know I ever went out at night so I don’t know if they’d think I’d actually go. Please help if you can I have my next counselling slot in a couple weeks and I’d really try to bring it up. I’d thought of just printing this out on a word document and handing it over but the idea of sitting. There until ym therapist has finished reading it scares me.

Is there any way I could start off talking about it?? Also would it help to mention how hyper I was, especially after?could this have triggered either the sudden extra manicness or my massive crash?? I’m also terrified of whether it was actually consensual or not. I’m fairly sure I didn’t have hypersexuality during it, and I don’t even know if I would have said yes. I don’t think I would have. I was a virgin(maybe I still am I don’t know) and hadn’t done anything remotely sexual before –I had barely kissed anyone. But at the same time I wasnt thinking straight at all, and I’m scared that this could just be me making it into a big deal when I could’ve consented. Please help –molly

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