Screw It, I Cave

  June 2nd, 2017 by thehusk

I told myself I was done with posting, but I’m tired of being alone with everything in my mind. I could just write all this out on paper, but if I post it then at least there’s the possibility of some kind of input that might make me feel slightly less isolated. Validate me goddammit! 🙂

I have memories of hating myself, long before I’d done anything worthy of hate. Maybe I was an asshole as a kid. I was sheltered. Awkward. Quiet, possibly to the point of rudeness. Perhaps people thought I was stuck up, that I saw myself as better than them. Maybe I did.

It’s so hard to know how much of your perception is you being oversensitive, and how much is accurate. I remember feeling shunned. Looked down upon. Seen as less than, inferior. I didn’t really understand why. That was somehow just where I had fitted in to the social strata. It didn’t feel fair. I still feel that anger to this day. That burning resentment that comes from being designated as unworthy of basic respect or consideration.

I was smart. Reasonably normal looking. Fairly athletic. But socially, I guess I was pretty clueless. Which was the only thing that really mattered. I’d never picked up how to form alliances, stay friends with the right people, look down on the wrong ones, assert myself over others. I suppose I’d never had to.

As I said, it’s hard to know how much was me being oversensitive, and how much is an accurate reflection of the situation. Maybe I was just a little narcissist, and really everything was completely normal. But my mind started to look for slights. To store evidence of how I was perceived. And once you start looking for that stuff, you’ll see it everywhere, and grow to fear it.

Every time I was laughed at, insulted, isolated, punched, kicked, intimidated, it was recorded by part of my mind as another example of who I am. And though I tried to challenge that within myself, tell myself I was better than it, I allowed it to define how I related to the world. Rather than brushing it off as a normal part of childhood, I withdrew. I started to hang my head, avoid eye contact, avoid conflict. Anything not to be noticed. It didn’t work, because then people pick up on how quiet your are, or how you’re avoiding eye contact. But I never challenged it. It was becoming who I was. I was worthless, even in spite of an underlying narcissistic self-regard.

I told myself that I would overcome it. That I was special. That I would show them. But over the years it became clearer and clearer that I couldn’t function normally around people anymore. The self-hatred had infected me to the point where I was subconsciously assuming in any interaction that the person would pick up on how pathetic I was. Every outing became just another example to add to the catalogue. The fear became unbearable.

So I had this crippling self-hatred, combined with a delusional self-regard. I was special, brilliant, but I was also pathetic, worthless, unable to function in the world. So fuck the world, for failing to appreciate my greatness! Fuck everybody who ever saw me as inferior!

None of which excuses the the things I’ve done since. But maybe it goes a small way to explaining them. Or maybe not. Maybe I was just born an asshole. Or maybe at some point I just made the decision to become one for no reason.

Anyway, that’s enough for now.

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