I have my plan, I’ve done the research, all that is left is the notes. I don’t want to leave them gasping for air like fish. God such bad choice of words especially with how I’m doing all this.
Anyway, I am finding my closer friends harder to write than my friends but not as close to. No, I’m having trouble explaining why I did what I did. I’m having trouble not breaking down and flinging my computer against a wall at 5 in the morning. I’ve decided but I can’t leave this world yet until it’s explained and everyone gets there pictures from me. I can’t leave yet until I’ve finished my fifteen books, I can’t leave until I’ve returned those books and my school ones, I can’t leave yet until I’ve seen two movies, I can’t leave yet until I’ve kissed the person I’ve been attracted to forever. I can’t leave yet until I’ve told my mother I love her, I can’t leave yet until I’ve written to my baby sister of how to deal with life without feeling hypocritical. I can’t leave yet without trying a few more times to really get help, I can’t leave yet without telling my friends I love them, I can’t leave yet until I’ve taken and bubble bath and had some chocolate. Those will be my last moments before its time and the rest is to be said and done in the three weeks I’ve given along with the other things on my bucket list. I’m hoping I will fail and live to tell the tail or feel great when the day comes and pass it to another fay like rain coming or going. That’s what I always feel though when I get nostalgic or mushy about family or memories, it’s been enough to keep me until recently meaning the last two to three years and the last two months have been absolute hell. Normally, I feel nihilistic and am indifferent either way it’s a peaceful but aggravating feeling and I wish I could just not exist but not die but that isn’t possible without some form of a coma. Normally not self-inflicted and mine is too full proof so I’m reluctant to move through. But I’ve done the research, I’ll write and read and experience life and we’ll see what comes of it.
1 comment
Sounds to me like you are honestly just not ready; which you have basically stated over and over in your message, and that is OKAY!
You have your method and that probably gives you some peace in knowing that it’s there whenever you want a way out.
You also sound young and sounds like there is too much left here that you want to experience, again, not a bad thing and perfectly okay.
Take the time you need, it doesn’t have to be on a date you set; you will know if it’s right for you or not. And when and if the time comes then it comes until then do the things you want, enjoy what you can and see where each footfall takes you….that’s about all anyone can do in life.