I love looking up psych stuff and taking mental illness questionnaires because I want to know what’s wrong with me. My family knows it’s a hobby/obsession of mine (don’t know what’s wrong with me though) and I exhibit lots of weird symptoms and I said some really minor stuff and my dad said I don’t have pathology because you can’t cover that up and somebody would notice and that maybe I want to “have a disorder because you don’t like yourself.” I said that he doesn’t know everything about me and he said to give him more credit-but he obv doesn’t know about my depression, suicidal thoughts, and cutting-he’s wrong!!! I can cover it up because I’m a really good liar! But then I got worried. What if he’s right? What if I just hate myself because I’m so despicable and that’s why I want to kill myself and I feel the need to have a disorder so that it doesn’t have to be my fault I’m so fucked up? :-(((
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
The road to the darkest of dark is paved with legitimate concern and worry. Everyone has an odd suicidal thought, that I have talked to at this point about it. It’s normal to hate some people, like others, and not know how to feel about a whole lot of them. It’s even normal to obsess and try and figure out what is wrong. If it weren’t I wouldn’t be calming, I would be giving out types of treatment and where to get it.
First off if it worries you really bad, go to a doctor and get diagnosed. One cannot accurately self diagnose without years of training, and even then it’s a guess. Self diagnosing is a dangerous road. If you read symptoms in books and websites, it can lead to feeling them.
Let me talk about an illness that can be induced by reading about it. OCD, everyone has an obsession and many people think they have it. Do you ever feel nervous that you left the stove on when you leave the house? Or that you didn’t lock the door? Does it get to the point that you go back to check the door is locked? Even after that is there a nagging doubt in the back of your mind about the door being locked because the neighborhood isn’t safe… etc.?
That’s anxiety. In my case it was caused by being broken into multiple times. I push past it by leaving my house for as long as I can every day.
Lately that’s working pretty well.
I don’t know how this was going to help, just some tired guy who has trouble sleeping trying to be productive in the middle of the night.
My dad would probably agree with you on the anxiety thing and it not being a disorder-I grew up homeless and even though I was hardly traumatized he thinks it affected me subconsciously. I dong think (emphasis on think) I’ve thought real my depression though because it just gets worse and worse and I’ve thought about suicide a lot, not just occasionally. I know it’s stupid to self diagnose but I can’t tell anybody about anything. I’m too scared.
I think if you feel something is not okay and you have an issue you do have one.
I’ve been surrounded by people trying to convince me that I’m okay and nothing is wrong with me when my world was falling apart. They just wanted to see my happy face and thought it helps to deny my pain and say, “everybody is having these issues”.
I feel often that I’m making up my own disorders and I think it’s because my negative emotions have never been validated by my family, for example.
So if you feel something is wrong, something is wrong.
If you feel that you’re not okay, then you’re not okay. Other people often invalidate your feelings on every possible matter. However, I would be cautious with online questionnaires, though they are rather interesting and I have a small hobby with them myself. Self-diagnose is a dangerous thing. In fact, by believing you have something, you can make yourself feel worse. On the other hand, you yourself know yourself the best.
In the end, though, it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you’re not feeling well and your dad by saying what he does can make you subconsciously feel worse and not worthy of his attention and that your problems are imagined. They’re not. If something causes you distress, then it causes you distress, be it traumatic past, phobia of spiders, break up or problems with homework. The cause isn’t important.
I do feel like my dad loves my sister more and takes her problems more seriously. Then again, that’s probably a little unfair because he doesn’t know about my cutting, depression, etc. It does make me feel worse though because I feel like he’s dismissive but then again I’m glad that he doesn’t see the truth. I desperately want to tell someone about my cutting other than my family but I have zero friends literally :-(.