i am writing this at the behest of my therapist. he thinks people out there could benefit from my insight. so here goes. had a philosophical discussion on suicide. more specifically on who does it. my theory is that there are two camps. the first one acts on impulse when faced with a devastating loss or set back. the other camp thinks about it. analyzes, plans, dreams, dissects it. and that is where i am. the reasons, the hows and whys change. but it never really goes away. it is always there waiting, lurking. a quick “easy” solution to life’s problems. at times it seems so reasonable. a viable answer to a life long question. i can look at it from a cold, calculated, detached position. it always finds me wanting. it spurs me to make a will, make my accounts POD , look at my life in a purely numbers perspective. like dying is just an ordinary business decision. it dismisses all emotions, people as incessant blather. easily discarded, easily ignored. it disregards any evidence that my life is worthwhile. that i matter, that i am loved. like the song says they betray i’m your only true friend now, they betray i’m forever there. sad but true. i keep suicide in my pocket because it is an old familiar friend. because it speaks to me. when i was a kid suicide was a way to get attention. a way to get revenge on the people who hurt me. when i became an adult it was a way out of the intense pain i was in. a way to dispel the intense hatred i felt for myself. a way to act out the core belief that i was worthless, pointless. what is it about now? now that i am approaching 50. is it about a quiet acceptance that i am a fuck up? a belief that it is meant to be? like its been predetermined? or maybe just a major malfunction in my wiring. a look back at a wasted life-a life full of woulds,coulds, and if onlys? does my hatred, self loathing truly trace back into my dna and is thus incurable? Guy and Will are trying their damnedest to convince me otherwise. there is a part of me that listens politely. a part that maybe even believes them. if i dare to let myself be. if i can dare to let myself live. it fills my head with scary thoughts of failure, loneliness, utter depression. the what ifs of rejection, despair or utter indifference. you will be a failure so don’t bother even trying. you are worthless. no one cares. no one will miss you when you are gone. i can erase myself so easily. a talent i use to torture myself. whether i believe it or not depends on who is screaming loudest. the suicidal me has been front and center for what seems like forever. the positive me hides in the shadows. she doesn’t say much. sometimes it is hard to believe she is even there. but she must be or else i would have been dead years ago. by all rights i should be dead. but someone apparently thinks i need to be here. i wish they would clue me in. am i really worth saving? why?
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4 comments
First off, congrats on making it this far. Do you ever ponder on the people from your school days? Do you wonder how many are left of you? It’s a question that i think of from time to time, especially after reading in the paper of some of their departures.
What i love about this site is there really is some smart people about, who could probably answer your musings on a life and it’s lessons (i’m not one of them, sorry)
Are you worth saving? Is anyone?
I am like you in the fact i can detatch from any emotion to do with my passing. I have no one who will really mourn me, i have no children, i haven’t even left a mark on this world. I wonder a lot about why i’m still alive, why after all the fuck ups i made i’m still here.
I like to think sometimes that their is one definite answer maybe, one absolute truth to the key of what life is all about. Maybe some piece of logic, or mathmatical / computer code that could be realised and made sense out of.
Everyone’s got their own favourite: Love! knowledge, experience, spiritual growth. etc
I used to wish that i knew the answer, but tbh i believe or really care that their is no answer , or indeed everything is the answer. Just like trying to grasp infinity i guess. I’m sure someone smart’s gonna jump in and say “that’s nihilism” or “relativism” or “star warsism” or whatever thing they learned from someome else.
I don’t even know where i’m going with this post (as usual.)
This simple mind knows at the end of the day, that not even the greatest philosophers out there can answer anything. No one can. Even if aliens came down tomorrow claiming to be our gods, i wouldn’t believe them.
You know i have to laugh as well. People post questions and i answer shit that’s probably so fucking irrelevant it’s almost farcical.
Anyway, sorry for my typos and my ‘inane drivel’
“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy. All the rest — whether or not the world has three dimensions, whether the mind has nine or twelve categories — comes afterwards. These are games to play. One must first answer.” ~ Albert Camus
I could have written your post. I too keep suicide in my back pocket.
This is meant as a hopeful thought, even though it could be the opposite depending on how you look at it. I agree with your 2 camps of suicidal people, but in my years of studying suicide I have noticed that the planners/philosophers rarely go through with it. Unless they have a sudden emotional trigger, but then that puts them in the impulse camp. The act of suicide requires a strong sudden push. Socrates can philosophize the merits of suicide for a lifetime but it was his harsh imprisonment that put him over. Similarly I know many people who have lived a lifetime of nihilistic suicidal ideation, including myself, and not one has taken that planned step. I prefaced this by saying it’s a hopeful thought because when it dawns on you that you are probably not going to kill yourself after all, it’s like a light switch and the suicidal obsession becomes a side thought, like imagining the end of the world. You no longer waste time obsessing over it day and night. Mind you this doesn’t cure depression but it’s a step out of the swamp.
I think you’re right. I used to volunteer at a suicide hotline. I’d take 20 calls a night in my four hour shift and there were 5 or 6 of us taking calls and we couldn’t get to all the people who called in. It was anonymous, so I don’t know how many went through with the act. A good percent of the callers were repeat callers. A guess of 80% ??
So, they were just calling to vent. They had it planned and well thought out, but unlikely they’d attempt. Our thought was the if they were calling the hotline they’re probably not going to suicide. It’s the ones you never hear from and, as you say, get the sudden strong push and life circumstances become overwhelming. Like a perfect storm with all conditions coming together!
But, there is something comforting about knowing I do have the option to end the insanity. It’s right there. It’s a 5 second act into oblivion. Yes, I have it planned. No, I haven’t been pushed hard enough…but who knows what today will bring!!