Welp, my counselor may be right…. Maybe I am bipolar, I was feeling amazingly great two months ago, and now I’m back to feeling like shit. Complete shit, utter shit I should die.
I havent been able to sleep decently for the past three weeks, I always fail classes, I dont want to spend upwards of three days per week with pathfinder with people, I feel like I need more time to just calm down and relax and not talk to people, I like pathfinder and really am fond of the people I play with, but I want to cut one day off of that. They’re going to hate me though, and won’t be my friend anymore probably, I really worry about them not talking to me anymore…. I like talking to them every day, I like seeing messages from them when I wake up, it’s the best thing to see, first thing when I wake up…. Often replying while trying not to fall back asleep and barely managing it, I wake up quite often after the first few hours of sleep…. So I dip between sleep while trying to talk to them. It’s just nice having somebody around to talk to a lot…. I just worry, I’m starting to get too stressed and stupid for things and they’ll leave me I know it. Just like everybody else has, does, and will…. I hate losing friends.
I sort of wish that I was dead…. But also I’ve now started finally having a will to be alive, so I also don’t want to die and the thought of my death actually makes me cry now…. Which sounds horrible and selfish, but maybe it isn’t? I just started feeling really bad for my new friend that seems to care about me at least a little, I feel bad about leaving them now when I simulate death in my thoughts and dreams…. It’s strange but I feel like my death might hurt them at least a little and I really dont want them to be hurt….
I don’t want them to be hurt…. That’s weird, it’s not even that I just dont want to see them hurt or know that they are hurt as the idea of my death hurting them bothering me wouldnt be a thing then…. I’d be dead unable to know that they are hurt or know or experience anything. But I actually just dont want them hurt in anyway at any time, even if I don’t know about it…. I just actually want them to be happy, which is odd….
I’ve never felt these feelings before…. And sorry about the misstypings, I have no internet right now and am breaking a personal rule and am here on my phone, but oh well…. I really needed to post right now, I cant find anybody to talk to or really any distractions veing limited to slowish phone internet….
Im feeling just bad right now, and I really just want to sink a razor into my arms…. And bleed, maybe it’d finally allow me to drift into sleep. At least for right now…. Maysbe for a little bit, its almost 5am now -_- I really don’t want to cut myself, I haven’t done that since last Christmas, so I’ve been cut free for this year so far, it’d be nice to make it the rest of the year…. At least I dont remember any cutting since december, if anybody has evidence hidden somewhere in one of my posts that disproves this ppease dont show it to me…. As then I likely will give in to temptation since yhere would not be anything to be working toward then….
I do hope that you are doing well though,al also thank you so much for reading this rather long ramble.
4 comments
I give you credit for being cut free for a while, please don’t give into the temptation. Its not worth it ( coming from a former cutter)
Friends suck. They come and go when they please, and the only want to know you when you want something.
Maybe try expressing your feelings to your friends? If they really are your friends then they would respect the time you need to yourself.
If you need anyone to talk to don’t hesitate to reach out.
Yeah, I know it’s not worth it -_- but I really want to, this little nagging feeling is telling me that it would be worth it…. But I know that the gain from it is only temporary. :/
I have gone through so many friends, like every month while in school I’d often change friend groups…. It was annoying. However I am surprisingly charismatic, I’m discovering that now…. Otherwise I wouldn’t have always had somebody to eat lunch with and be around during breaks while in all levels of school…. I became more isolated during collage because I just don’t have to ever spend time there, however I’m spending more time there now and have met more people…. But that still doesn’t mean that I keep those people in my life for long, I don’t know why but it’s just so easy to stop talking to people…. We treat each other like paper towels.
I don’t want to bring it up, things would go poorly, it’s odd that I actually kind of genuinely care about this person, is the first time I ever have cared about somebody.
Hey friend remember me hope your doing well. And I hope things are coming along fine with your online bf
Yeah I do remember you….
And about that, we kind of stopped doing that entire thing a pre long time ago…. Like 2-3 months ago or so :/
How have you been doing?