This has been a couple of hard weeks and months. I feel I need to get a confession out here. im 30 ish and single with some friends and a family. Problem is I have this horrible feeling of being fake. Fake. I think i stems from some sorta fear of being left alone. I just agree and go along with what everybody thinks. I lie habitualy just to seem more intresting. I abandon values on a whim. I have this constant fear of being caught in the act so i do some real acting out of my ordinary life. I think this behavior is OK for a teenager who is insecure and confused. But to still be there by 30! Even the friends I have and have been there for ages i feel like i have to put on a act to keep. And the irony of being really alone in the process of this charade isnt lost on me. Just that i aint laughing.
this of course leads to a lot of self loathing and self hate. Nice to everyone else exept for me. Exept im not really nice , just occupied with my fear. Besides this i feel like there is not much personality there besides fear and wrong methods of coping with it. Looking for approval from everybody else.
I think i see my problems quite clearly but feel totaly unable to fix them. Am seeing psychologist and on medication. But this has more to do with who i am This acting is so ingrained in my waking life. I do get scared beacause i can funtion on the surface but inside…i do contemplate suidcide. I hate what I have become, am to weak and scared to make adjustments, and feel this awful fear that ill probably blow my head of in the future if things dont change.
Im intrester in hearing if anybody else has gone through this, and i mean being so old and insecure and full of self hate? Please were do you find strenght to change? Im not religious and not looking for god, just something to turn this awful mode of being.
4 comments
Hey there, I don’t feel exactly as you do but I do at times have that feeling of self hate and feel unable to change it. This might sound really dumb but sometimes I look in the mirror and say to myself ‘just list three things you love about yourself or even just like’. Even weirder than that I find other ways to feel needed. I have two dogs and I know they need me to survive and they love me.
So if you can, just try one step at a time to find something to love about yourself. I love that everyday my dogs wag their little tails to see me but if I give up and leave them the outcome doesn’t look good.
As Tesco says, every little helps.
Maybe you need to set healthy boundaries with people so you can still nice while being yourself if that makes sense. I think you’re looking for approval so much, is because you are not or did not receive it from home. Must accept that you can’t please everybody. Focus on finding your core self by discovering your wants and needs while respecting others’. You are a nice person deep down inside. You just fear of being rejected.
Been through this, and in some ways still go through this. Sounds like you have come to the realization that you have lived with a mask to fit in with life, and in the process lost yourself. I used to feel completely alone around friends because they knew nothing about me. Even friends I had known for years knew very little about me, and I had a sort of false image of being stronger and more secure than I really am. Honestly, I would suggest you really look at yourself, to see what you believe in, what matters to you, and who you are. You mentioned you lie habitually to change the way people see you, and abandon your values on a whim. I used to be like that, and being that way completely destroyed my self respect and sense of self. You will always be alone if you live live that way, because you can’t connect with people on a real level if you don’t show up as yourself. I really think the best thing you could do for yourself is take the risk. Be yourself, show others the real you, and don’t try to change who you are to be accepted by others. I know how hard that is, especially with friends you have known for years. Perhaps try going to a weekly group therapy meeting. I think that would help, because you can slowly open up with the group and be yourself in a confidential environment.
I really appreciate your post though. It reminds me of when I went to treatment and opened up with people for the first time there. It was the most terrifying and freeing experience of my life. I seriously can’t tell you how liberating it is to open up with people in a real way (in a safe environment), after being disconnected and hiding who you are for years.