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I’m Lost

by lulu1999

Im an 18 year old girl, going into my first year of college in the fall.  I feel like this is a great time in my life, i’m young, moving onto new things, get to be on my own, get an education, but no.  I am miserable.  No matter how many good things are happening in my life, I either ruin them or they get ruined.  I don’t get a long well with my parents at all, and lately things between them have been really bad.  I’ve heard my mom say on multiple occasions she wants to leave him.  I know every kid says they think their parents fighting or divorcing is their fault when it’s really not, but this actually is my fault.  My dad has a lot of anxiety and anger problems and just the smallest things set him off and then the whole house is at war.  But it’s always me setting him off.  Something I do, something I say.  Whenever they fight it’s about me.  And it breaks my heart to think of me and brother away at college and my parents at home alone together miserable.  Or even worse, them divorced and my mom all alone.  I only have one actual friend and she is like family to me but sometimes i can’t help but think if she really cares about me or not…I do toxic things all the time with no reasoning.  I don’t know why I do it or why I’m like this.  I drink, smoke weed, experiment with other drugs, give myself away to guys that don’t care about me. I just feel like i have nothing.  No friends, no family I can talk to, nothing.  This whole summer i have done nothing with my time.  I sleep until noon, go to my friends house, and all we do is sit in her bed and smoke and sleep all day.  And go to parties at night.  Sometimes I have little bursts of optimism and think that college will be great.  It will be a new start.  But then my anxiety kicks in and I think about how my parents will be when I’m gone, if they actually are going to get divorced.  I think about my friend and worry what if i don’t make any friends, or none of them are like her.  I just don’t really know what to say or what to do anymore. I am lost


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ChaosSorcerer666 7/26/2017 - 2:15 pm

Your dad sounds like my dad this is not your fault ppl like him are sick in da head. And I’m sure you will do great in college and with life. I’m here if you wanna email me to talk I’ll be ur friend

waitingformyalaska 7/26/2017 - 8:28 pm

That’s such a terribly insensitive thing to say about her father. What do you mean sick in the head? Yes, it’s a mental health issue. It’s not his fault. He probably doesn’t want to get angry at his child.

muspelhem 7/27/2017 - 4:37 pm

My two cents:

When your parents fight, it’s NOT about you. That may be the explicit reason, but beneath that, there is something else. They decided to have you (or had you by mistake or whatever). The point is: Your existence is their doing. And all the ways you are acting out, they may worry about that, and your father may lose his head over it, but that is what you sign up for when you have kids.

You are not responsible for the state of your parents relationship. If they don’t feel their relationship can handle having a kid, they shouldn’t have had you. But they did.

Accept that your parents can fight and get divorced NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. You are not responsible for the health of their relationship. The only two people responsible for it are them. It’s actually the other way round: As your parents, they’re responsible for taking care of you.

It’s clear to me that you feel very bad, and that that is why you are acting out and numbing yourself with substances and parties and superficial relationships.

You can’t solve your parents’ problems for them, and it is in no way your responsibility. Wash your hands of them (the problems).

Also, you can’t change that you maybe feel you partied the summer away. Too late 🙂

And you can’t control what happens when you go to college. It may be great. It may be terrible. The point is to find out. If it’s great, great. If it’s terrible, take it from there. Decide what you’re then gonna do. But don’t worry in advance. Just wait and see.

Same with your friend. You can’t make anyone like you. Not really. Maybe you should explore your feelings for her? Isn’t this more to do with you maybe not connecting as well with her as you think you do?

My advice for you would be this:

Look into Stoicism. Basically: Stop worrying about things over which you have no control. Concern yourself with those over which you do.

And that means, in your case: Take care of YOU. You sound like a lovely young woman, just trying to live your life, hold it together. But it must be terribly painful to have a father who struggles and loses his temper and parents who fight. It must be painful to not have the nurturing home you deserve. But such is life. All you can do is be your own parent. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Look out for yourself. Put your needs first. I repeat: Put your needs first.

Take care and good luck with college!

lulu1999 7/28/2017 - 10:30 am

Thank you so much. This really made me realize things, and I appreciate it.

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