Do you ever look back at your life and just instantly break down in tears? I am 18 years old, and in all of those 18 years I have done nothing productive for myself or for this world. I never tried in school, I really just barely got by. I never focused on building strong friendships or relationships, or at least never succeeded in them. I played soccer for most of my life, but was never great. I like to sing and play guitar, but I’m mediocre at best. I never excelled at anything I did, i just existed. The part that frustrates me most, is that I COULD’VE done really well at a lot of these things, but didn’t try. I know I had the potential to be a straight A student if I had put in the effort. I could’ve been a really great soccer player, maybe even gone to college for it, if I practiced more. Why didn’t I care? Looking back, if i could start over, or even just start high school over, I would do every single thing differently. I hate where I am in life right now, but I know there is no one to blame but myself. And its too late to start now. I feel already so behind in life that theres no point.
Im an 18 year old girl, going into my first year of college in the fall. I feel like this is a great time in my life, i’m young, moving onto new things, get to be on my own, get an education, but no. I am miserable. No matter how many good things are happening in my life, I either ruin them or they get ruined. I don’t get a long well with my parents at all, and lately things between them have been really bad. I’ve heard my mom say on multiple occasions she wants to leave him. I know every kid says they think their parents fighting or divorcing is their fault when it’s really not, but this actually is my fault. My dad has a lot of anxiety and anger problems and just the smallest things set him off and then the whole house is at war. But it’s always me setting him off. Something I do, something I say. Whenever they fight it’s about me. And it breaks my heart to think of me and brother away at college and my parents at home alone together miserable. Or even worse, them divorced and my mom all alone. I only have one actual friend and she is like family to me but sometimes i can’t help but think if she really cares about me or not…I do toxic things all the time with no reasoning. I don’t know why I do it or why I’m like this. I drink, smoke weed, experiment with other drugs, give myself away to guys that don’t care about me. I just feel like i have nothing. No friends, no family I can talk to, nothing. This whole summer i have done nothing with my time. I sleep until noon, go to my friends house, and all we do is sit in her bed and smoke and sleep all day. And go to parties at night. Sometimes I have little bursts of optimism and think that college will be great. It will be a new start. But then my anxiety kicks in and I think about how my parents will be when I’m gone, if they actually are going to get divorced. I think about my friend and worry what if i don’t make any friends, or none of them are like her. I just don’t really know what to say or what to do anymore. I am lost
A lot of the reason I don’t get along with my parents I think is just the generation gap. We were raised in very different times therefore we have different views and opinions on just about everything. And some of the problems are because they are stubborn and up-tight, but I just had the realization that most of it is my fault. I am a generally nice person. I go out of my way to do things for others, i sacrifice for my friends and family, but when it comes to my parents, I feel I am a totally different person. Almost every interaction I have with my parents, I am mean and nasty and give them attitude. I don’t realize I am doing it until it is already done. I really don’t want to be this way anymore. I have tried to change, but it always only lasts like a day. I don’t know what comes over me, any time they are around me I get irritated and unhappy. It is more my mom than my dad. Most girls i know are so close with their mothers. They share their wisdom and experiences and love to be around each other. I know this is terrible to say, but I genuinely do not like my mom. I love her, she is my family, but I do not like her. I WANT to like her, and get along, but i just don’t know whats wrong with me. I honestly don’t even really have concrete reasons to dislike her. Why do I feel this way???? I’m trying so hard but it just never works. Having a close relationship with my parents is so important to me yet I can’t accomplish it. Just tonight, I was sitting in my basement watching tv and my mom came down and I just didn’t want to be there anymore (What the fuck is wrong with me? She just came down to watch tv with me and spend time with me???) I immediately packed my things up and started to go upstairs and she asked why I was leaving. I told her i just wanted to be alone. She got so upset and took her stuff and stormed upstairs. The SECOND she went upstairs immediately regretted what I had just done and actually did want to spend time with her. Its like my instinct is to push her away even though i do want to be around her. I don’t understand myself. I also let small things dictate my mood for the rest of the day and sometimes days after. I got so upset with myself afterwards that had somewhat of a breakdown (I do have other stuff going on and this event tonight just sort of threw me over the edge) and angrily cut my hair (granted it came out pretty) but I feel like I can’t cope with things.
I’m a 17 year old girl in my senior year of high school. I don’t do terribly in school, but i also don’t do great. I’m kind of mediocre at everything I do. I’m also kind of a pot head. I don’t get along great with my parents, we have really different views on everything. I have always had a good amount of friends, but recently started drifting from a lot of them. I have one best friend, and she is sort of my only friend at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a sister, and she is a really good person, but even with her always around, I still always feel alone. I feel like i’m different than everyone else, and I can’t really connect with people. I just feel like high school is supposed to be this great big part of your life, and some of the most memorable years. I want to enjoy being young and be free and happy while I can, but i really hate high school. I consider myself a pretty girl, I’m in good shape, long blonde hair, kind smile. (not meaning any of that in a conceited way, I usually don’t think or talk highly of myself at all). But i’ve never had a boyfriend. All of my friends are always in and out of relationships. Going on dates, falling in love, being happy. I really want that. I just don’t know whats wrong with me. Guys only want to hook up with me, but never want to actually have a conversation with me. And its not just that boys will be boys, and all guys only want sex, because all of my other friends seem to have no problem finding guys that are genuinely interested in them. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m never really good enough. Im in the process of applying to colleges and stuff, which is exciting. I really want to get out of here and start somewhere new. I really hope that college will be my time. I just want to belong somewhere.