I am a control freak. Somehow, this escaped my realization. I have to have complete self control. I am not allowed to be human, because to be human is to make mistakes.
That’s why I’m so guilty. That’s why I’m so paranoid. If I am not perfect, I am not in control.
Complete control is impossible, even self control. Thus, I have set myself up for inevitable failure, leading to suicidal thoughts.
No self control is just as bad, which leads to nihilism and a life of mere existing even if I don’t kill myself.
There is no way out.
2 comments
I just saw your response on the other post – thanks.
I can relate a lot to your struggle. I don’t have a solution, but have you heard of the “fixed” and “growth” mindsets?
I have. To me, all of it seems like bullshit. Human mindsets are far too complicated to be thrown into two generalized categories. I personally don’t think either mindset is particularly productive because a growth mindset leads to never being content with anything, meaning one is never happy with things the way they are. A fixed mindset means that the person will never learn to take criticism and get better. I think most people fall somewhere in the middle of all of this.
But what were you going to say about fixed/growth mindsets?