I recently got into a relationship, everything started off great at first. Now we’re at each other’s throats constantly over petty things. I’ll always apologize for my part in the argument and bend over backwards for him, but it’s like he’s completely innocent in his eyes. He doesn’t see what he does wrong and it just seems that because I’m so terrible is why he is always angry. He tells me his feelings get hurt, yet when he says hurtful things it just goes back to it being my fault. I really do love him and want this one so badly to work out, I know I’m a handful, and not too many people want me, but he’s different, I just want him to stay. Like if I’m truly that horrible, will I ever find someone if this one doesn’t work out? That’s a question I really hate thinking on, I am so tired of being the girl who go married at 19 only to realize how abusive my ex husband was at 21 and divorced by time I was 22. I’m just tired of being damaged goods I’ve spent years since then in and out of therapy the last four to be exact, and I just go through relationships, can’t get anyone to love me enough to stay. I really don’t wanna be alone the rest of my life.
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Honestly, he sounds abusive to me as well as your ex-husband… Eventually narcissistic or sociopathic. I don’t really want to judge, seeing as I don’t know all of the situation as well as you do, but maybe you do need to think it through.
The first thing is, every fight in a relationship, about petty or not things, is the fault of both sides. There’s never one person to blame and as such I’m sure you’re not as much of a ‘handful’ as you seem. You may be clingy, sensitive but there’s nothing wrong with this.
You need to stop apologising for every thing you do, even if it’s difficult because in this way you unconsciously make him right even when he’s wrong and he can use it to manipulate you.
Just think it through, okay? You’re enough and the person that loves/will love you can surely see it.
You feel lonely, like “damaged goods” and “a handful”. You want to feel better about yourself, so you seek solace in relationships. But every time, you are treated poorly, and it doesn’t work out. Back to square one.
The problem is that you are trying to solve your low self-esteem and loneliness by getting close to people who reinforce it.
The solution is to find other ways of curing your loneliness and low self-esteem.
Never accept being treated badly. Remove yourself from those people. Don’t treat yourself badly either. Be self-compassionate. Champion yourself. Water your roots so you grow. Be kind to yourself. Cure your loneliness by volunteering and by doing social activities where you can meet friends, not lovers.
This is a gradual process. Your thinking and beliefs will change when you practise treating yourself differently. Become the expert on what makes you happy. The more you know about it, the easier it is to guide others in making you happy.
Take care.
It does sound like emotional abuse to me, and the reason I say that is because it resembles a lot of the way I have treated an ex in the past and I ended up being very emotionally abusive and manipulative and it is a pretty bad path to go down.
Being alone is scary but sometimes we need a break from other people and relationships, to recompose ourselves and our values,
I know the feeling of needing someone, who makes you feel wanted and needed and gives you closure and validation,
But it is really important to stand on your own two feet too, as impossible as it might seem.