Here I am again. Not working knowing that I m already late and already risking to be banned from college it I don’t bu I m so stressed out I prefer to ignore it until I can’t and it gets even worse. Telling my life is bad but not doing enough to change it. Being so tired of doing nothing talking to much and way to fast and loud about boring subjects trying to hide my emotional stare but making it worse. Even my mom noticed that I m acting super weird and she s the blind type. Feel like I m going to collapse and drown into madness any time now. Feel like I m a joke, a loser , a pale copy of who I was. I m so god damn lazy. Feel like people are making fun of me that my relatives don’t love me anymore. I m feeling so paranoid I have strange thoughts about the fact that my parents are going to ditch me in some loony bin any time now. So I m wondering if I m gonna be okay on my own or if I have to see a shrink again or if I should simply let go everything and die
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
This jumped out at me because it’s something I’m dealing with also: “a pale copy of who I was”
This implies that you weren’t always screwed up. What happened to change who you are? Who is “who I was” and is there any way to dig that person out of hiding?
With me (obviously not 100% successful because I too am on a suicide site when I should be working), I try to remind myself of the great life I once had but instead of beating myself up over losing it, I remind myself that I proved it’s possible to have a happy, or at least productive, life. Then I try to figure out what made the old me so much better. And finally I try to repeat the actions of the old me.
Could this work on you, a little? Even small things like dressing in the clothes you used to wear, changing your hairstyle or appearance to look like the old you, etc might help you reconnect with who you were before suicide and depression took over.
Not really no. I always was depressive I had a shitty life but I used to be a better student and a better life. I think I started to feel sad at 6 but it went gradually worse with a culminating point aged 18. But this year I felt a lot better and thought I could fight depression. But here I’m back square one and not able to work properly. Not doing anything being tired all the time
So when you felt better and were a better student, were you just faking it? Hey that works too. As the song goes “when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.”
I dunno. With anxiety especially, there seems to be no way of faking it. Like you described, talking way too fast and too loud about boring subject. Even if nobody else notices, you know it’s just an act, and that makes it worse. So nevermind what I just said above. The only thing I can do in this situation is crawl into a hole and wait for it to pass. If you come up with a good suggestion to make it thru the day I’d love to hear it.